I am feeling rather anxious, too, and thinking it may have something to do with the 3 year mark. Yesterday was 3 years since I began this blog. Two days ago was three years to the day I found out I had a 10cm (4") tumor in my ovary. If I hadn't been persistent with my arrogant and condescending doctor, I think there is a good chance I would not still be here.
I am also thinking about some people in my life who think that things are "Business As Usual" for me. They just don't get how much I am impacted by everything I have gone through, and continue to go through. They interact with me as if everything was "normal," and as it was before, when it is anything - but. And then I get upset, and that - to them - is unwarranted, and an overreaction. Their reaction only makes me more angry, more frustrated, more annoyed. Like. Didn't you hear me the first, second, third...time? Didn't you hear what I JUST SAID?
I have come to the conclusion that at least one person may be in my life to greatly, and completely, upset me. In doing so, I get to feel a lot of emotions. I cry, and I release stuff. Afterward, as long as that was the trajectory, I usually feel better. But, the thing is, I would much rather find a calmer way to deal with stuff. I feel so out of control and irrational when that happens. The goof thing, I suppose, is that I at least recognize that that is what is happening. I try to explain it to that person, but they are just not hearing it.
I don't know if it is denial, or what. But they just do not hear me. Further complicating things, they ask me questions about something that I just answered - right before they said what they said. RIGHT BEFORE. And then when I re-explain, they still do not hear me. It is like they only hear what they want to hear.
I thought this friendship was over a long time ago. But it keeps coming back. I recently acknowledged the person because I felt like there had been a shift, a change. And it was a good one. But then we had another blow out incident. That is partially why I wonder if their presence is a gift, as no one pisses me off anywhere near as much as that person does. No where even close.
It is really hard to deal with the stuff I deal with. And it is so much worse when those closest to me just do not get it. If they don't get it, what hope do I have for those who do not know me well, if at all?
The fact is, I don't think anyone could really understand. No one that close to me has ever dealt with cancer personally, and even if they had, odds are, given who they are, and their circipumstances, their experience wouldn't be the one I have been having.
I occasionally get grief from others who have dealt with cancer who think I am not handling things "right." There isn't necessarily even a camaraderie amongst those who deal with cancer. Like many things, opinions and mileage will vary - and sometimes the differences can be as distinct as the cultures and language and customs between two different countries.
I sometimes have more in common with those who aren't dealing with cancer, but with some other major/catastrophic illness or life experience. I guess there is no competition there. I win. Of course. The illness cancer seems to be the trump card. "I know I am not dealing with cancer..."
I am kinda kidding. At the same time, I suspect there is some piece of truth in there, somewhere. I had wanted it to be more light-hearted than it ultimately sounded. Oh well.
My stomach is so not happy right now. My shoulders also hurt. I really hope I can get some sleep. And I hope even more that while I sleep, my body finds a way to release, transform, modify what I ate that I shouldn't have so that when I awaken I feel much better. If you read this any time soon, and want to add your cosmic few cents to creating this outcome without a horrible night in the process, it would be greatly appreciated.