Saturday, May 2, 2015

I am tired of being wrong

Well. So much for sleep.  There has been a lot of outside noise today; maybe I will blame the fact that I haven't slept on that. I am even more tired than I was before. But I pushed myself to go eat something. Since the doc said that iron might be a concern, I fixed an egg. Been kinda wanting eggs a lot more lately, maybe that is partly why. I often find there is something in my food cravings that make some sense when I think about what the foods offer. That is why I usually just go with it.

For some reason I have been thinking a lot today about a conversation I had with a friend a couple of days ago. He was trying to encourage me to "fix" certain relationships in my life. I entertained the conversation with him a bit, but then put my foot down, and said I no longer, ever wanted to talk about it in the way we were speaking of it again. I told him that even if I shared about something, it wasn't an invitation to have it fixed. It wasn't that I was even saying I wanted it fixed. If I shared, it was because I was just sharing what had occurred, period.

He thinks he is right in what he says. He is adamant. He has been like this, to some degree, since I have known him. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he says I am being stubborn, and other labels that aren't exactly positive.

Today I got to thinking about how tired I am of being considered wrong by those in my life. I have spent the better part of my life interacting with people who think I can do no right. My perspective is often wrong, misconstrued, selfish, and all other kinds of things. But never likely anything good. 

I have found myself over the years questioning myself. It was happening so much, it would seem there was something wrong with me. I would kind of give people some benefit of doubt, but it often made things worse because there was always a deep, inner voice that felt like they weren't right - or at least that I wasn't as wrong as they thought I was. But given I was into "self-growth," and the fact that I was "supposed" to care about these relationships, it felt like I had to "try."

I often wound up miserable, but trying to act like I was Ok. But I think the people involved may have seen through it some, which kind of made things worse. It was like I was straddling the fence, and the spike was going up my ass. Lol. Never thought of it that way before. But I think it possibly accurate.

To make matters worse, I had a friend also into self-help and growth that seemed to often be on the side of me being wrong. She also "encouraged" me in the ways that the friend above does. She and I no longer speak. It got to the point that I could not take her "good intentions" any more. I also think, in hindsight, that our relationship was predicated on the fact that I was often wrong, and needed perspective, or to be fixed in some way. At least that is often how it felt, especially toward the end. But I think it was a long time in coming with various things that we spoke about.

We stopped being friends since cancer and I got closer. I suspect it was cancer that has had a thing, or two, to do with how I am in relation to relationships these days. It also has a thing, or two, with how I look at life, and myself.

It is hard to care about relationships with people who never seem to understand me, and seem to think so little of me. I also can't, and won't fake it any more, as I no longer doubt myself. I now give myself the benefit of doubt, rather than the other people. I now embrace, and love, myself enough to know when to put my foot down because something isn't to my benefit, and doesn't work.

If the people involved would be willing to go with me, as me, it might be a different story. But the interactions tell me that is not to be the case. In one case, a person doesn't even want anything to do with me any more. Some people think I should not be ok with that. What am I supposed to do about it? I can feel the push away. It is not exactly welcoming. If a person wants nothing to do with you, what is there to be said, or done? The fact is, I don't know that there is any reason for us to connect. So if you ask me if I care, the answer is no.

And, unfortunately, in a way, that can be said about other relationships, too. Dealing with cancer has been something of a relief in that regard. No longer caring allows me to stop putting effort where it doesn't belong. It stops putting me in situations that only set me up for failure and disappointment and other uncomfortable things.

I am really tired of being wrong when it comes to those closest to me. I get enough of that from those at a distance. I know I can't please everyone, maybe not even anyone, but I don't need more to deal with in my life right now. I need supportive, understanding people who will love and appreciate me for who I am, and who will actually listen to me. 

Unfortunately, they are quite rare, and it is one of the reasons I am left standing alone and mostly isolated a lot of the time. Occasionally, though, I will meet a new person who is in a good enough place with themselves and their life and with me that we are able to be in some sort of healthy communication. And, even when there are bumps in the road, they are willing to hear me out, and we can get through it, and to the other side. They respect our differences of opinion, and if it becomes a block of any kind, it is a building block.

These are the people I need in my life right now.

I sometimes wonder if we are misinformed about the things we are told and come to believe. I sometimes wonder if those things do us a disservice. I am not sure everything we say is a problem is. And if it is not a problem, then there is nothing to fix.

Maybe some things just are what they are.

Having said this, I realize we sometimes have our blind sides, and can't always see things clearly, and that I could be wrong here. But when everything in me is so much more content not dealing with the stuff I used to, and no longer questions myself incessantly, I have a hard time thinking that anything else would be more right than what I am doing right now.

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