Wednesday, May 13, 2015

It is not ok.

It's not OKAY. Today I noticed a good part of my eyebrow is gone. I pulled out my bag of tricks to draw on eyebrows, but am missing a thing, or two. I was hoping not to have this issue. But it looks like I need to re-aquaint myself with how to draw them on. I always did it with other makeup, so it might not look quite right without. 

This is when things start to really suck. This is when Is need to be more self aware when going out, or even answering the door. I don't look the same without them, and couple that with the paleness that chemo offers, it really does suck. I got my fingers crossed that I have enough hair to not have a bald spot, because then I will reluctantly have to wear a wig, on top of everything else.

I hope I can get to a place to break before it gets too much worse. The physical part is harder than anyone likely thinks, given how people seem to react when I share how I feel.

The thing is: no matter how good anyone thinks I'm look, how I look is not something I chose.

There is a big difference between choosing to have short hair, and having it because of a treatment. A HUGE DIFFERENCE. There is nothing anyone can say or do to compensate for that fact, many times I think people try to mitigate things, probably to try to help me feel better, but I suspect it has something to do with how they feel, too. 

I don't want you to think It don't care about what people say, or don't appreciate it, but the fact is when I share, I share for perspective. I don't share to be fixed, or complimented. I imagine that in my sharing there may be some insight that will be helpful for someone who has someone dealing with cancer, or that someone else dealing with cancer might appreciate my words - especially if they align with their own.

And it doesn't matter what anyone says, this really sucks. No one is going to be able to say a dang thing to change my own personal experience of this aspect of treatment. It doesn't matter what does, or doesn't happen with others; this is about me.

Totally unrelated...

In follow up to the person I was in touch with regarding the radio show...it looks like it ain't gonna happen. It seems my gut feeling was more than likely correct. It seems that the conversation would need to be positive. I am not sure that it fits the message I am looking to convey. I am just not sure that it is "real." I wouldn't look to be negative, just realistic. 

We all have our moments all over the map, but we try so hard to push away the stuff we would rather not see. I really don't think it does any of us any favors by putting the spotlight on only the positive and the good. I think it just makes it harder for us to deal with the things that are in the shadows. 

This bit is frustrating for me. I don't seem to fit anywhere these days because I don't see things the same way as many do. Most of my life I have been different, but this is even different from that. This feels like it is about something larger than myself. I feel like this is something that chose me. I don't really feel like I have chosen it. 

It is so hard, and there is a part of me that wishes I could just shut up, just walk away from it. It is just so painful at times to keep coming up against the pre-existing ideas about things that really don't work.

But the problem is that most don't realize just much they don't work until they are challenged by something that was not previously an issue. At that time they can be unpleasantly surprised by how it is to be on the other side of things. They can also become a voice for something they once had no clue about, and perhaps even an air of indifference. Or maybe their relationship with that thing may have come from a place of fear, and the relationship shifted, once they have no choice but to be immersed in a situation that has them come face to face with that fear. It can, and often does, change every-freaking-thing.

But. For as much as we likely sense this on some level, we avoid it as much as possible. And how does one talk to people about the stuff they rather not talk about because they won't even acknowledge it? Some would say, "don't even try." There is a sense of being defeated by the history of human nature.

I think we have a bit too much of that. 

I also think others may agree, given some of the things that seem to be happening in the world. Some people are waking up, and asking the questions that those who are still sleeping would rather not hear. They are saying that "just because" is no longer acceptable. They are seeing the lunacy of some of the things we collectively seem to have agreed to, and it is not OK - no matter what anyone else says.

And, it occurs to me that this blog post has come full circle, as what I just wrote is how I started this entry. I may have been talking about my vanity in some way, but the essence is the same. Individually we will have to look at some things that are not pleasant, or pretty. Others may try to negate it, or dress it up, or minimize it, but it doesn't change what we perceive to be reality in that moment. And it is best for us to not negate, dress up, or minimize our own perspectives - which is often anything but easy.

We can try to explain to others how we feel, but some just won't get it, or want to get it. I guess we are not doing the explaining for them. Perhaps we do it to clarify things for ourselves. Or perhaps there are others who want to hear someone else say what they think or feel. Maybe it gives them permission to speak up, speak out - to be themselves.

So much of the way things work silences the voices and messages that don't fit. Reactions of others often can intimidate, or make a person feel any number of not so good things. We are really good at controlling each other that way, and even better still controlling in the name of "positivity" or being "helpful."

We've all likely done it at some point, or another, and have had things we have allowed to happen when having to deal with what others think and believe, and while it has such an incredible personal cost, we somehow think it good enough for us in some way to preserve the fabric of a situation that does not really work.

Breaking free from the things that stand between who we pretend to be and who we really are can be extraordinarily difficult. It can feel like tearing off a layer of skin, as the things we pretend to be can sometimes seem to be too much like who we are, and we can't always discern what is or isn't us, and even when we can know which is which, we go for the safer, known route - even when we know it does not really work. 

I am getting very sleepy. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am already suspecting Inam talking in circles, but am hoping I am wrong. Sheer exhaustion is having me post this, as is. If a I don't do it, I might just forget. I can always come back and edit/add, but it ain't likely. :p

So this will just be my brain dump for the night. Hopefully it has made some sort of sense...

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