Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Lots of Questions.

I am tired. Exhausted. Worn down. It is hard to do anything.

I am in the midst of something of a depression. A crisis, of sorts. Questioning what's wrong with me. Questioning why cancer. Questioning pretty much everything that can be questioned.

I pretty much know it is a useless exercise, but it hasn't stopped me from doing it. It is a point of frustration that brings me here. Nothing else has seemed to matter. Nothing else seems to be the miracle I so desperately want.

I am standing here, alone, and it sucks. It feels like I am in the middle of a desert, with no one and nothing around for miles.

Is that what my life is? Not really. But there are times it certainly feels more that way than not.

I don't imagine many realize the terror I live with on some level. It is an undercurrent that is always present, and I have no idea how to stop it. I am not sure there is any way to do it. 

There is a video with Bob Newhart offering advice about things, and his solution/answer is "stop it." As if it was that simple.

I get upset when people seem to think what I am facing and dealing with is a simple fix away. I can't stand the whole fix it mentality. If things don't get "fixed," then it would seem something is wrong with the person, right?

If I could just tap into the "cause" of everything, then magic will happen. What if there is no cause? What if things are just what they are?

I know as human beings we are desperate to control everything. That means there have to be fixes. If there aren't, it just makes things just too damn scary.

But I think it is pretty cruel to believe that we know everything, but can't seem to   access it, or figure it out - especially if one's life might be at stake.

I am struggling with what to believe about life and the journey. There are lots of ideas people have, and many of them are at odds with the ideas of others. 

How the heck do we know what is "right?" There could very easily be a "Flavor of the Day" when it comes to possibilities.

I know better what doesn't seem to "fit" for me than what does. The hardest part is that I have no proof what I suspect is "true" is, which leaves me questioning and doubting myself. Am I a fool? Am I going to die believing something that never came to pass?

Am I sitting on the fence? Am I afraid to commit to a way of looking at things? Am I afraid to be wrong?

If I totally committed, would my experirnce be different? If I die, is it because I never fully committed? Is it my "fault?"

If I die, is it because I did not do things "right?"

I have a headache.

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