Sunday, May 10, 2015

Feeling Heavy Hearted

Facebook inundated with Mother's Day. I have been on and off there today, and feel very heavy-hearted each time I go. Last time I was on there, I told myself to stay off. But, like so many things, I forgot. 

At first, everything I was seeing was HAPPY Mother's Day. Everything was happy, smiles, tributes to mothers...all good stuff. Was it all "real?" I wondered.

What about situations like mine? What about situations unlike mine, but similarly not particularly happy? 

Then I started seeing other posts about how this day might not be the happiest for some, for a myriad of reasons, a lost mother, a lost child, not the best relationships. I also saw the "Hallmark" backlash from those who aren't exactly appreciative of the fabricated holiday. (Did you know that the woman whose idea the day was came to believe that it was not a good idea - because of the fact that commercialism came to overtake it?)

As I write, I think about how those who are empathic, and feel what other people feel. I find myself wondering if the heavy heart I feel is in some part due to all of the maternal wounds there are that are being torn open today. I would think some of it is personal, but the weight is pretty intense; I Am thinking it can't possibly be all "mine." At least, I hope not. It would mean an immense amount of pain that I have not been conscious of.

As it is, I am dealing with a lot of mixed feelings and emotions about what is to come. The fact is that I do not really know what will be, but that uncertainty is unlike the uncertainty healthy people face. Some think it is the same, but it is not.

Most people live into a future that has possibility, and can get bigger and better somehow. That is how we are often trained as a child. We are taught to build, progress, to believe that things go mostly in one direction. Occasionally life throws curve balls, and there are setbacks. But we are also taught that setbacks are a step toward the future, too. It is like a hiccup. A blip.

Most who do not have to deal with something like cancer do not realize how difficult it is to be in a context that most would say goes only one direction, and it is not the one we are taught. But they still overlay the context they were taught in a situation like mine. People talk to me like my world is exactly like theirs, and that I can do whatever I want to do.

The fact is...I can't. I have so many considerations now for whatever I choose to do. And there are things that a healthy person wouldn't have to rule out. There are so many limitations, too, and they are not ones that I put there for the unconscious stumbling block fun of it. They are all too real, and I trip over them at times. It is difficult to have to "defend" them when a person I am talking to just doesn't get why I have the concerns I do.

There are times people's knowing almost comes across as flippant. I know it likely isn't, but it is still extraordinarily difficult to consider what a future looks like when It would seem - short of a miracle - or some incredibly creative solution - I will never live on my own again because I can't afford it. And then there is the issue of my health. If it deteriorates, then what? Not to mention, there is no clear cut path of where I would go, or what I would do.

It is enough of a heartache and concern that there are times I genuinely question continuing to live life. Is it worth it when there are so many parameters of life that do not take into consideration the exceptions?

The kicker is that I know that I am not the only one trying to deal with conventions that are not only one size fits all, but am the recipient of judgments and more because I don't fit. It's my fault, my problem if I don't fit, and if I try to fix it, I might run straight into the parameters of the things that can't possibly work for the exceptions.

I wonder how many people would maintain their beliefs about the circumstances others find themselves in if they were to arrive there themselves? It is so easy to say and believe things, and to be judgmental when not in the middle of it. I suspect many change their tune if suddenly facing something they thought they never would.

A part of me thinks I should stick around to continue to speak to this stuff. I also found myself wondering today if there would be a way to create a home for people like myself who don't have the means to be on their own. Getting an apartment/home at this point would be impossible, unless I suddenly had the cash outright to buy it. And I have no means to do that.

Imagine that you couldn't "just" do what you've always done. What in the world would you do?

I realized something else about my life recently. Because I haven't married, or had kids, so many of life's initiations haven't happened for me. It is like society is a big club that I have never been eligible to enter. I am not sure what I think of it, but there is something to that conversation. It is at least partly why I am now facing the life I am. 

And, quite frankly, a part of me could not be more frightened.

PS can you help me help myself? If you appreciate my work, it is easy...and only $1 per month can help, a lot. Seriously. Patreon.com/Jolope thanks.

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