Friday, May 15, 2015

Meeting My Shadow (Self)

It would seem these last few years I have been getting acquainted with my Shadow Self. I was watching a movie yesterday from Hay House in which there was a lot of talk about one's Shadow Self. The above quote opened the film. Much of it was voiced by Debbie Ford. 

In the video, she talks about the things about ourselves that we push down as beach balls in the water. When we push them down under the water, sooner or later they will pop up. She also says that when we are younger, we have more energy to push them down than when we are older. 

The parts that we push down want to be expressed, and sooner or later they will come out. For me, it seemed that being diagnosed with cancer was my pathway to meeting those parts of me that might not have seemed so pleasant.

The movie talks about how important it is to face things as they are: a theme of mine for a while now.

It seemed to be incredible validation for the journey I have been on. I just recently shared with you what I told someone else about embracing the journey, and that is that I truly believe that how I have handled things in the last few years is likely why I am still here. 

I think I want to go back and look at it again. I am trying to remember other things said, and I can't. I may have to watch it, and take notes. But I guess the important part, the validating part, is what I do remember. I suppose if that is all I am left with, it isn't such a bad thing. But it still sucks to reach for stuff and not be able to remember it. 

Speaking of remembering things...last night I dreamt about my hair. In the dream it was long and beautiful and really thick. But then, at one point, I ran my hand through it and a huge clump came out. And then more. And more. But I still had hair when I looked in the mirror. I was surprised. 

I suspect it is my fear of being bald again after more treatment. I lose a bunch of hair every time I have a treatment. It is no where near what it was on my first round of chemo, but it is rather significant, and the fact that my eyebrows are looking the way they are, I can't help but wonder about that part.

I am feeling so anxious today. I have so much to do. Getting one or two things done every day really isn't enough. Today I really want to make some pork chops. I haven't made any in the longest time, and have been thinking I really want some. So that may be the best of what I can get done today. I guess it won't be a bad thing, or the worst thing, but my list is rather lengthy. I also have a deadline to get some of the things done. It may be a bit arbitrary, but the pressure is on, as I already know if it isn't done by then, it probably won't be for weeks, or maybe even months. 

Some would tell me not to stress about it. The thing is that there is stress no matter what. I either stress about getting it done, or I stress because my life is more complicated and messy because I didn't get it done. I kinda can't win this one. At the moment, I choose the stress of getting things done because I am so tired of the mess. It is hard enough to function for so many reasons.

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