Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Being in the Dark

What would you think if I said, "I give up?" I am sure you might be tempted to tell me not to, especially if you care about me. But I didn't ask what you would SAY. I asked what you would think.

Would you think about all that I have had to deal with physically? Would you have any clue about how emotionally I am broken? Would you think about all of the times I have had to contend with the judgments of others? Would you think about just how much pain I must be in? Would you consider how difficult it is to live in a world that says value primarily looks a certain way, and that many will judge me sorely lacking because I do not have value in "that" way, and therefore often be treated as though I am invisible - and therefore without any perceived value. Would you think about how difficult it must be for me to go day-to-day feeling the impact of how others do not see me as one valued enough to be helped? Would you be aware of how saddened I am by the fact that for the most part I am alone in this, and that it hasn't been by choice? Would you think about how lonely and isolated I often feel? Would you think about all the love I have in my heart for others that doesn't get a chance for expression, or is greatly misunderstood? Would you think about the seeming contradiction of those who say I should be a presence in the world, but then proceed not to talk to me for months? 

What would you think, really? I only ask you ask a point of perspective for yourself. I am too hurt and emotional right now to personally care about what is likely to be an answer way more logical than I can handle.

What I am feeling right now is a lot of hurt and a lot of pain. I can logically add everything up, and come up with a big, fat zero right now. 

That is what pain does. It is a great distortion tool. I have hated, absolutely hated, what chemo does to me emotionally. It is one of the hugest reasons I did not want to go back on it.

But when the belief is if you don't, you will most certainly die, then what the hell are you supposed to do?

The thing is not dying is not living. And in a world in which we do a dance that says people shouldn't matter, they should, and they still do. 

A part of me really has had enough. I truly don't know how much more of this I can do, especially alone and struggling the way I am.

I wish I did not want or need another person, but it seems wired into what makes me human. I have overridden this need more than once because I often have had to, but it isn't the least bit easy to do.

I really am tired. Alone. Frightened. Sad.

Your logic may think otherwise. It may be wanting to find a fix. It may be assessing how far from "reality" it thinks I am. It may be doing anything and everything to stay away from the painful reality that I face. 

No one likes pain, and we will do anything we can to transform, transmute, and in any way disengage from those things we find in some way to be uncomfortable.

Well. If you want to, YOU can. Right now I can't. Things may look darker than usual at the moment, but even in a different light, my reality has many unpleasant components these days. 

It really sucks, and what scares me is that there are moments I truly do think about giving up; and given how things are, it probably wouldn't take much to die. 

And lest you think me somehow calm and detached as I have written this, my emotions are flying all over the place. My logic questions posting this for so many reasons. 

And I have tears stinging my eyes, and streaming down my face. The depth of pain I feel is a deep and dark canyon, the depths of which could all too easily envelope me should I tip.

All too often I do not think people really understand what I deal with. All too often I think I sound healthy, clear, and like I am ok, even in the midst of some of my darkest times.

It is hard to convey just how devastating these last few years have been - and often how devastating the circumstances in my life continue to be. I may have learned to just keep going in spite of everything, but it is awkward and as uncomfortable as hell. And very few even have a small sense of the shit I have had to deal with.

I am tired of being perceived as doing everything wrong. For being too public. For asking for *gasp* money. For being perceived in some way inadequate because I do not have people in my life to rescue me when others don't think me worthy of help. 

I once said it would be an interesting story to have someone to have to campaign for their life in order to live.  If they raised what they needed, they got to live. If not, then they didn't, because they were not "worthy" to live. They "obviously" are not valuable enough to live, as people weren't "voting" for them.

It would be something as a story, but as someone who sometimes feels like I need to "market" my situation, and ask for "votes," it doesn't seem so far off. And the "reality" of a life ending because it is perceived to be lacking in value seems a bit too real and close to home.

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