Saturday, February 21, 2015

Depression & Treatment

Every time I have been on chemo, I find myself struggling with a deep, dark abyss. It has been one of the biggest reasons why I have fought against being on chemo. I lose a part of myself, and it is such a huge chunk; I feel like I lose myself.

In speaking with my doctor about this, I was very open and honest about this for possibly the first time. I think I may have said things before, but never as blatantly honest. I was often concerned their solution would be more drugs, and I just was soooo not interested. 

I do not recall ever paying attention to just when I would feel as I did, in relation to the timing of treatment. I just knew I struggled, and every time I struggled, I had people trying to logically help, and it NEVER did.

As I spoke with the doctor, and went into detail, she felt that it certainly was more of an induced state that I was experiencing that was chemically created and due, possibly, not to the chemo, but the steroids that they give in an attempt to avoid any negative interactions with the chemo. 

As a result, she knocked down the steroid dose a bit, and we are going to see how I feel this go round. Part of me is more aware now of what is happening, and it somehow makes it easier for me to deal with. 

The problem is that if I express it, many who are a witness to it are not as Ok. The "solution" could be to shut up about it. But the reason it may not be the best solution for me is the fact that I need to express what I am feeling and enduring. It is urgent that I do. I often feel as though my life depends on it. 

I also can't help but think that the fact that I am willing to be so open and honest about this stuff might help another with what they are dealing with, and maybe give them some idea about how to deal with it, or interact with it, themselves.

I was talking to someone today who was telling me about their dislike of fish. She was telling me that over the years people have suggested that she just hasn't had it cooked right, and have said an assortment of other things. 

As I heard her speak, I said that many probably said the same thing as others, thinking that somehow their idea was original. That she probably was a bit defensive having to hear the same stuff over and over, and a few other things.

She then thought I must have had the same experience - with people and fish and seafood. Not at all. I explained it is what I have been dealing with in relation to cancer the last several years.

The human experience is often translatable to many things and experiences. We just have to be willing to make the connections.

I have been told more than once by those not dealing with cancer that they can relate to the things I say, and it seems to be helpful.

I am not sure remaining silent helps anyone - except for those who do what they can to silence others for their own comfort, or to avoid their own discomfort.

As far as my situation goes, I already am feeling a bit down tonight. While what happens isn't "logical," I have been wondering how best to interact with it, and if there is something I might be able to do when the abyss shows up. Giving into it seems to have been the only option so far, as it truly renders me unable to do a damn thing, and to give a damn about anything.

I am always so grateful when I start to come out if it. It is such an incredible relief.

Ps If you haven't seen Patron.com/jolope, please take a look. Thank you.

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