Someone finds it "disturbing" that with all the money raised for cancer that I have begged for help. And not because I have had the need to beg, but because most assuredly I must be a beneficiary of this windfall, and have the nerve to say anything. Wow. She then proceeds to call me ungrateful, among other things.
I am sitting here, stunned. I placed a comment on a Good Morning America thread that was about a bigger picture than people posting were willing to hear/see. It deteriorated into mostly comments about how jealous I am.
There is so much I wanted to say, but decided that I did not have the energy, nor the desire, to go farther down the Rabbit Hole.
A part of me is really sad right now. While I, among other things, tried to express how there was a bigger picture, I was told that things were "not the same." I never said they were the same, only that there were similarities in our human experience that were relatable.
Many of those who commented were determined to make my comment about my perceived selfishness and jealousy than what it truly was about.
I know there are many things people say they won't say to me directly. I am sure there are those who read my stuff and think similar things as these strangers who feel they can "speak the truth" do.
One person whole-heartedly agreed with me; she has a husband dealing with cancer. I suspect none of those jumping on me have an immediate relationship with cancer.
Things like this make me want to shut up. I did not want to post there. I felt like I might not get a good response. But something told me to, so I listened. As a result, I learned something that makes me really sad.
If the comments are indicative of how people feel when someone with an issue - in this case cancer - speaks up - it is no wonder people are so "proud" they do not ask for help, and people don't say anything.
Well. If you have a job, or Disability, or a family, or some other means of support, and do not feel the urgency of having no income and no support, and have no need to ask for help, consider yourself quite fortunate.
There are times I really feel that people are not really hearing me. In cases like this, I get shown that we often hear what we want to hear.
How many times do discussions become arguments when a person gets stuck on one detail, and what they believe about it?
I wound up deleting my comment. The purpose I intended it to serve got obscured by people's need to be angry at me, and their need to see my statement as proof of what they believe about me.
I have said that something is perceived as negative, if it is something a person does not want to hear. It could just be a statement with a fact, but one's judgment tints it in a negative light.
The "good" thing about the approach? It can shut people up. They will feel uncomfortable being judged, and not want the grief. It is a great control mechanism.
Is that really what we want? It works both ways. If you can do it to others, they can do it to you.
If you think about it, you know it's true. Too many people aren't being fully able to do and say things, for fear of what will be thought of them.
Many people will listen to gurus, go to courses, seek to find a path that has them empowered. They seek to be empowered, but are fearful to be exactly who and how they are. So they are told how empowered looks, and superficially they think that they are empowered. In actuality, they are only skimming the surface.
When we make judgments of things, we limit them - and the people that are attached to them. In some cases that is even ourselves.
We seek an answer in 10 Steps or less. 10 words or less. We feel compelled to have a soundbite life which doesn't allow for shades of gray, or for the beauty of the intricacies of who we are as human beings.
Independent thought is scorned. If you do not think like the herd, then there is something wrong with you. If everyone else is cheering, don't dare to be different. It is inappropriate.
And, yet, where exactly does appropriate reside? And is residing in appropriate going to have an impact? It might. But it also might never be seen or experienced by those who need to see or experience what you are offering.
It is safer to stay quiet. It is safer to be like others. It is safer to keep those who say things that make us uncomfortable quiet. There is also a cost attached. It is a cost that we may not really be able to afford.
I know I stand alone many days in my words, beliefs and approach. It isn't easy. I feel like I am going against the tide many times.
If I went a different direction, though, I would betray myself. I can no longer do that. I have come to see how much more life is worth living being able to be who I really am rather than who I think it is safe to be.
I was terrified a couple of years ago of what you would think of me if I stopped hiding behind my public veneer, not really thinking about the fact that you were already judging me by how the veneer made me look.
At least now I get to be myself. And it is not all bad. While it can be intimidating for some, apparently there are those who like and appreciate someone who speaks their mind, and someone who embraces who she is.
I have never said I was Universally Perfect, just that I am Perfectly Me. And while I am disheartened by the reactions of others who are just being themselves, I can only honor the fact that they are wherever they are.
The thing - and it is a big thing - is how do we function in a world in which many others have radically different ideas than we do? There are many examples of how it doesn't work.
I would love to know what does. The one thing I do know is that for change to occur, silence is not an option.
I truly believe that many have no clue what others face because I'd like to believe if they understood, their reactions would be much different. For that reason, this turn of events makes me want to speak up all the more.
I have no idea, though, how to talk about this in a way that can reach the heart of those who function from their logic. When I approach this from a logical place, it is often refuted. Denied. Ignored. Judged.
If those people who commented were listening with their heart, the responses, I am fairly certain, would have been quite different. The heart is expansive and open. The head narrows and defines.
I think we are getting to a point when we can't have conversations without seeing someone or something as wrong or needing to be fixed. Among other things, I think it can make people defensive, which further complicates things, as defensive people often defend by going on the offense.
I am all over the place with this post. I am trying to figure out things as I write. As often is the case, this has many facets, and it is all too easy to toss them in a basket, label them collectively, and act on them as though they were one.
I am fairly certain there will be more on this to come...but as for right now, I think I need to go back to sleep. It can be exhausting trying to pull things apart. Although it doesn't help that I only got a few hours of sleep last night.
Til next time.