Trying to do anything today is difficult.
Not only am I tired, my body aches.
Besides chemo, yesterday took a lot out
of me. It is taking all that I have to do
anything, and at least give myself the
illusion that I am moving forward.
There were a few things that I had
intended to do, and hadn't yet...so I am
working on getting them done.
(So NOT wanting to do a damn thing,
though, other than bury my head in
my bed.)
One of them is some pictures I said I
would post. In the picture above you
can see the "cocktail" that they had for
me that day. Quite a few things they
give as you can tell by the number of
bags hanging from that pole, hooked
up to the "chemo dispenser."
They always offer to tell me what is
in it, but for some reason, I don't want
to know. I just tell them to do it. I
know that there are 2 different chemos,
but that is the extent of my knowledge.
Maybe I should know more? Maybe
I should want to know more? I don't
know. Maybe I know as much as I
can handle at the moment.
As you can see, I don't exactly look
happy in the above image. I was also
feeling very tired. It had been a long,
slightly frustrating day. I imagine
I looked a bit different after it was
over and I was hypnoblissed out, and
got to go home.
(Side note: I have read about how
some talk about the sound of the
machine that gives chemo. I hadn't
really thought about it, and had to
really think about it, to know what
the person was referring to. When
I go into the hypnotic state, it is
nothing I hear/pay attention to. I
can't imagine what it would be like
to pay attention to the sound. It is
a consistent click, click, click except
for when it beeps for some reason,
and then it beeps, beeps, beeps
until it is attended to.)
As you can also see, I try my best to
look my best when I go. Maybe it is
part of the mental game I play. The
worse I think I look, the worse I tend
to feel.
One more to go.
I so hope it is the last one for me
forever and ever and ever and ever.
Amen.
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