Monday, November 19, 2012

Feeling really crappy

Feeling really crappy.

A friend somehow thought that the last treatment would be nothing.
Magically...because it was the last treatment.

This "magical" way of thinking seems to not be uncommon.
It seems to be one of those paradoxes in a situation like this.
It is a big something, or it is nothing.

Either one of those perspectives, it seems to me, are skewed in
an unhelpful way. One puts too much emphasis on it, the other
ignores it all together.

I told my friend how I would be when I saw him. He said he
understood. His actions, however, seem to indicate otherwise.
After sleeping for hours, and having great difficulty moving,
he asks me casually if I want to run some errands with him.

I will give him a little leeway, given he likely doesn't know that
it takes me nearly an hour these days to get myself into what
I consider a presentable state to go out. But at the same
time he treats me like everything is normal, and that how I am
in my post-chemo state is me overreacting somehow.

I really think many people ain't got a clue.

Many haven't seen me like this, either. Although, here is one
case where a person CAN see it, but doesn't. Perhaps it is
more a case of where he doesn't choose to see it. His father
died of cancer so who knows what, if anything, is going
through him in regard to his interactions with me.

My stomach hurts. My throat is sore. I am sniffly. I can't
tell if it is worse because I did not go home after treatment
and/or because I am not in an environment that I can
control. I had questions about doing anything around the
chemo, and that is why for several months I have pretty
much done nothing. From my limited experience so far
of going counter to that, it seems I made the right choice.

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