Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Really Struggling

I have been soooo tired lately.  I haven't
been able to get enough sleep.  Not as
in I am not sleeping enough, but in that
no amount of sleep seems to be enough.

I am stressed about what is next.

I was speaking with someone this AM
who was trying to be supportive, and
told me that I could do things.  It didn't
help.  I am exhausted.

At this stage in the cycle I don't think I should be exhausted, but I am.
It is difficult to do anything, and there is a lot I need to do.  Once again
I also feel a sense of urgency about things.  I just wish I knew what about.

I have been creating up a storm, which I suppose is good.  But I feel
like i am sleepwalking through it.  It also doesn't seem to be a way I can
make money, so I am not sure what good it will do me ultimately.

Which leads me back to a place that isn't pleasant.  The place is a place
that leads me to question why in the world I am here.  I want to be better,
and I want to be here, but not if I am overwhelmed with debt, and can't
seem to take care of myself/make a living.

I don't know what to do.

I also know that right now I am not in my left mind so this is not really
a time to be thinking and trying to figure things out consciously.  That
doesn't help either.  Everyone says they wish they had an answer for
me, but few seem to be willing to try to help me, and actually DO 

It is ironic, really.  So much of my life I have done things by myself and
for myself, and the one time I really need help, and ask, it isn't coming
in by the boatloads.  Not even a pallet.  

This is not to say I do not appreciate what has come.  As a matter of 
fact, given how things have been, I am even more grateful for those who
have done what they have for me.

On top of everything else, one of the cats that I live with is apparently
sick.  It seems she likely has a cancerous tumor, and the vet seems to 
indicate she may not have much time left.  

Patootie ("Little Kitty") is the sweetest thing.  And it makes me so sad
thinking that she may be leaving soon.  I am sadder about her than I 
have been about any other pet I have known.  It makes me wonder if
it is the circumstances, and I somehow see something of me in her/
her situation,  or if my heart may just be open wider these days.

Whatever it is, it doesn't help.  I feel incredibly emotional.

Yes.  "This" will soon be over, but then I have a whole other type of
situation to deal with that I am so not ready for.

This so sucks.

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