So f*cking Alone

I am sobbing right now.

Shaking.

I feel so alone.

A friend tried to tell me I am not alone.

People cheering me from the sidelines
is appreciated, but I feel so alone on the
field.

I have asked for help.  I didn't want to,
but I did.  And I have gotten enough to
last til now...but now what?

The same friend tells me that I am "winning."

This is what what "winning" feels like?

I am told to ask God for help.

I have not spoken much about what I believe.
I don't really know what I believe, outside
of the fact that I do believe there is something
beyond who we are.

And to whatever "powers" there may be, I
have asked time and time and time and time
and time and time again for help.

Have I gotten it?

Times like this make me wonder if I have.

Of course, it could just have come some other
way than the way I anticipated, or wanted, or
hoped, or expected it to come.  But so rarely
has it ever come the way *I* wanted it to, if
that is the case.

Is what I want not that good?  Can't I get
what I want in my life?  Can't I have things
the way I want?

This is why I question everything I think I
"know" these days.  Because I don't seem to
know anything.  I used to talk about things
in a negative way, and like a victim, and then
I changed the way I looked at things.

Did my life change as a result?

I can't say for sure that the only difference
wasn't what was inside of me.  At the same
time, as I think about it, I could not have
been the same me on the outside that I have
been, if it wasn't for what was in "there."

I have heard that WHY is one of the most
useless questions.  I don't know if that is true,
or not, but I can't help but wonder WHY I
have had to deal with so freaking much in
my life.

I can't help but wonder WHY I had to be
the odd one.  The freak.  The one that was
never in the popular crowd.  The one that
was always on the periphery.

The child in me is crying out.  The child in
me never got to be a child.  The child in me
had to suck it in.  The child in me could
never cry out.  She had to be strong.  She
had to be strong because she somehow knew
that there was no one who could rescue her.
That she was always *this close* to catastrophe.

She is tired.

She is tired of fighting.

She is tired of existing.

She is sooooo tired.

So very tired.