I am now much calmer than I was before.
I am also feeling number.
Maybe it is just that I am tired.
But the thing is, that I have had a thought
that has wandered around my brain for a
bit today and I wanted to get it out, before
it gets lost.
This thought has to do with the chemo.
Chemo is about death. It goes around
one's body, and kills off cells, and it
doesn't discriminate. It could be a cancer
cell, or it could be an innocent cell that
wants nothing more than to nourish me
and do its thing.
If there is any "truth" to a vibrational
experience of the world by the vibrations
we are around, then it is incredible to
consider that one who walks around with
this vibration of death would be in any
state other than that one.
Every time I go for treatment, they ask
me if I am depressed. That tells me that
there is a good chance that there are others
like me going through this emotional
cr*p. I wanted to say "stuff," but that
doesn't seem to do it for me.
Sometimes you really just gotta use the
words that fit, not the ones that sound
This is big time cr*p.
And it is amazing to me how many people
tell me how it is for them and others they
know, comparing it to me an my situation,
and do it in a way that is somehow
supposed to make me feel better.
The thing is, I really feel incapable of
dealing with things a lot of the time. I
really feel like the chemo has messed
with my mind and my ability to function.
I really feel like this is NOT like everyone
else's pains and considerations and...
Not to take away from anyone in regard
to anything...but it is soooo not the same,
and trying to tell me that it is somehow
the same soooo does not help.
I know people want to help. If not to
help me, at least to help themselves. I
understand. I really, truly do.
Before this, I was there, too, if I wasn't
avoiding it all together.
There has to be a better way to respond
and deal with this. There has to be a better
way for us to interact with others.
I don't want to scare people off from
interacting with me. At the same time,
I am sure I do - and if the topic of cancer
doesn't do it, the topics of my last few
blogs certainly can't be helping.
As a society we don't seem to want to
deal with the things that aren't somehow
"OK." It is easier to stay away from those
things and people than it is to wade into
the waters and do what we can for them.
At the same time, it is those times that
people who need help, need it the most.
It seems ironic to me that it seems the
easiest to turn our back on someone
who needs help when they most need it.
I heard someone on a video earlier saying
something to the effect if you are around
someone who is down, you are likely to
feel down. If you are around someone
who is up, you are likely to feel up.
I found myself wondering about this.
At first, it sorta sounds like it makes sense.
But when I think about it, it doesn't really.
If I am down and you are up, how do
either one of us know which direction
either one, or both of us, will go?
Maybe you would bring me up. Maybe
neither one of us would change. Of course,
I could bring you down, potentially, if we
explored the possibilities fully.
It makes me wonder if the thing that "nudges"
us in a direction is where we are in relation
to something. If what I am down about is
something you can relate to, maybe it will
bring you down as you identify with it.
Maybe you going down has nothing to do
with me, and everything to do with the things
that you have to deal with?
Maybe if we talk, and you bring me up, it
is because I can find something in how you
are and what you say that I can relate to, and
when I focus on it, things change. And, it
has nothing really to do with you.
Maybe all we are is just conduits for each
other, and we just choose which things we
want to make connections with by the actions
And...given what I know of our unconscious
mind and its desire for comfort, it is not the
least bit surprising we would want to stay away
from those things least familiar and known,
and therefore the most uncomfortable.
I guess the best we can hope for is that when
we see each other and our situations we see
something more than the things that trigger us.
Maybe that is when we truly connect, and
maybe that is what brings us out at our best?
I am so tired. Maybe I will go back to sleep.
What are the odds the world will look better
when I wake up?