What's the Point?

I am realllly having a bad time.

Really.

I can't seem to shake it.

One moment I am fine, and
the next...something that could
be perceived to be as a feather
comes along, and I go crashing.

I am feeling so incredibly
overwhelmed by even the
smallest of things.

Trying to do anything larger
feels like it is burying me.

I can't see anything clearly at
the moment.  I even feel shallow
in my breathing.  I am sure that
doesn't help.

Is it terror?  Is it sadness?  Is
it helplessness?

I have had some terrible moments
in my life that came and went.

Afterward
it felt like
nothing,
almost.

In the midst of it, though, it felt
like the world could come to an
end and I wouldn't care.   To be
at such depths of devastation,
and then to be out was quite a
feat.

But it was nothing I did.

It was like a storm that came.
And then passed.

It was like I was in the middle
of something I had no control
over.  Something that took me,
shook me, and rattled me.

Something.  Kinda like now.

This feels bigger though.  It
feels scarier.  And yet, as I write,
I feel like there may be some calm
in this storm.

Maybe.

I feel like I need to tear my world
apart.  I just don't know what to
do.  And I don't exactly have the
energy to do it.

This definitely feels like I would
imagine HELL could feel.  To feel
like I want to do something, but
don't know what, and don't know
how, and don't have the energy to
do - even if I had a clue.

How messed up is that?

What is the point of all of this?

What is the point of life?  What is
the point of my being here?  There
are times I feel invisible, and the
times that I am not, it is because
I have to deal with some freaking
paperwork.

I have heard that people who know
they are going to die stop dealing
with things like paperwork.  I don't
blame them.  If you don't have the
ability to deal with it in the first
place, why would you even try if
you knew in the end it wouldn't
matter?

I am not there, though.

But I don't know where I am.