Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Feeling Angry

There is so much going on suddenly that I am incredibly edgy. I have had a reprieve from "life" and my situation these last few weeks, but I am now having to deal with several things at once, and I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

Today I had to be around people, and I wasn't in a good - or talkative - mood. It apparently was apparent. I didn't mean to be rude, but I was really feeling off. I am not handling anything very well. If I had been able to retreat and be by myself, that is exactly what I would have done. It would be a good thing if I could just crawl into a cave and be there right about now.

In speaking with someone I said it would be a really good thing if cancer would just go away. I added that if I was honest, the idea of that scares me as I would still need help, but people probably wouldn't want to help because they would think I was OK. She even said I wouldn't need it because I would be OK.

But...here's the thing. I was "there" for a few months, and it wasn't like suddenly all was right with the world again. I was still dealing with issues from the chemo. I was still feeling tired. But I was also trying to do my best to do something to take care of myself. I have never been one to sit back and do nothing, but it doesn't mean I didn't - or don't - need help.

I even felt uneasy telling people that I was stamped "OK." Somehow I knew that wasn't in a way going to be a "good" thing.

It scares me that I feel that way. If there is anything to the mind/body connection, I don't want to be encouraging it to stick around. At the same time, I not only need cancer to be gone, I need some piece of my old self back. I am feeling so incredibly overwhelmed by so much at the moment, and in some way I feel as though some may not truly understand why I feel as I do.

I am OK, but I am not OK. How does one simultaneously be both? It is really hard. The more I act OK, the less anyone is inclined to believe that I am having any sort of issues. But I don't want to act not OK if I can help it, as it doesn't help me in any way. I have refused to play the "role" of cancer victim in the way that many think I should. (I add that last part because some have called me victim more than once in the last couple of years.)

Can you tell I am on edge?

I am pretty sure my frayed edges must be showing.

My chest hurts. I just started sobbing.

I can only seem to handle one thing at a time. It is difficult to handle life that way. I can't make jewelry and write and spend all the energy I need to to take care of myself, too. Then there are the "little" things like Disability and having to deal with possible Jury Duty, and having a scan, and figuring out what to do about my car that needs work, and a pending health insurance hike.

I can hear some say, "take one thing at a time." That is about all I can do, really, and it's not even one thing and then another - at least not in the same day. If something takes a lot of energy, it is all I will get done in that day, and maybe even the next.

How can I do things to try to make money when all my energy is going in other directions?

A part of me is terrified about my upcoming doctor visit. In some ways, I feel great. But...what if they want me to go back on chemo? What then? How do I deal with anything if I have to go back that route? I wanted so badly to rule it out once and for all, but I can't. At least not yet. But I can't function on it, either. And I am running out of money.

I am terrified I am about to return to "real" life, and won't be able to handle it. I have been mostly OK these last few weeks, blissfully painting and not (abundantly) worrying about a single one of these issues. But I can't continue to do that. Things have to be taken care of. But how do you "live" in the middle of doing what you need to to "merely" survive?

I am not sure what the anger is about. Although I suspect it is because I feel like I am being pushed up against a wall and having to make some impossible decisions. I am having to decide among things that I don't want to choose.

I wish I could just have the money I needed for the things I needed so I could just go off to a mountaintop and paint. A friend of mine thought that sounded like a good option for me and my health, and I think I could go for that right about now.

It really is the lack of money that is stressing me out more than just about anything else - even what is going on physically, although that is a close second. If I had money, I could relax, and if I could relax then I might also be better physically. As it is at the moment, my shoulders are hurting like crazy. I imagine the stress can't possibly be helping.

I really wish there was a hole I could climb into. As I say that, I think about when one is dead, that is exactly where one could wind up. Do I mean that kind of a hole? I think I mean more of a cave. I really just don't want to deal with anything right now. And unfortunately most everything needs to be dealt with.

I may often look and sound OK, but I am not sure that I am anywhere near as OK as I seem. I suspect it is just something of a coping mechanism for me.

I wonder how much of this (if any) has to do with the Despacho. What I have been feeling has been pretty constant since yesterday afternoon when it was burned. It seems to be sticking around.

It took everything I had to paint today. I didn't know what to expect, as I have had some real doozies when I have painted in a lousy mood. Oddly enough you might not guess how I felt from today's work. I almost wonder if I tried to paint something to get me out of the mood I was in. It kind of worked for a little bit - until I started feeling overwhelmed by several issues tonight. Then the negative swell came back.

I really wish I was alone. A part of me just wants to scream and yell. That is why a cave would be perfect. There are times I can often feel better by myself, even when I am miserable, than when I am with others. I think that is because there are times being around someone who doesn't really seem to understand what I am feeling and facing can often just make things worse. I sometimes begin to feel like I need to justify the things I really don't like and want for myself in an attempt to explain what I am feeling or why I am feeling it.

It is difficult to express a reality without claiming it. So why express it at all? Because it is the current reality, and it shouldn't be denied. I try not to dwell on the stuff, but there are times that things are said, or things happen, and the fire is stoked or fed.

I would like to be immune, but I don't know if there is any way to claim immunity.  It seems things like this are what have us be human. But my head is swimming, and I am exhausted.

Enough already.

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