I shouldn't be writing right now. I am exhausted. Too many times things come out wrong - even when I am feeling at my best.
But the thing is, I am the exhausted person running in hyper-drive right now, and running against the clock, so now is probably the time to do it, even if not the best.
I have debated slightly about expressing just how I feel about what I am about to write, and what my feeling is about doing it, and what I think will happen. I feel like I should say what those things are. If nothing else, it might give another person perspective.
At the same time, it isn't the most positive, or encouraging way to approach the conversation. I am too tired to figure out the "best" way to do this. I am just going to do it, and hope that it somehow comes out alright.
I can't remember if I ever wrote about how much appreciation I have for "freedom is another word for nothing left to lose." I have mentioned it to some, but whether or not it got translated to this, or some other written, forum I am not sure. I have come to the point that I really don't feel like I have anything to lose. In some ways that is a powerful thing, but in others, I feel like it is more a place of feeling resigned.
I have been asking for help the last couple of years, and while money has come in, it isn't nearly what I need to just get by. I am on the verge of being out of funds all together. I have debated more than once about how to make a plea, but I don't know how to say what hasn't already been said.
I now, however, have an issue regarding what may or may not happen next physically. I am sure my oncologist thinks chemo is inevitable. I will be seeing him next in January. In the meantime I am doing everything within my ability to have him be proven wrong.
But, and it's a BIG but, there are many things I could be doing that I am not because it involves money I do not have. In some cases, the cost is in the thousands. While I would love to ask for that kind of help, I have decided to ask for something on the small-ish side that I think could be attainable.
I have been told how important Vitamin C is intravenously. Some truly believe it could be a cure. It wouldn't be an expensive one, if it is. I would just need $100 per week for the next seven weeks, or so to have a treatment of that type.
It really isn't a lot. But it might as well be the 1000s, since I do not have it.
I would love to offer something in exchange, but I have nothing more than the things that I have told "you" about on previous occasions. I will provide links below for convenience sake. If there is to be a direct donation, Paypal is the best option (See Heartsgiving.com for details, and for a tax-deductible option)
I don't know if you can imagine what it would feel like to think that perhaps you have been adversely affected by the last chemo you did, that you did not want to do, only to be on the possibly precipice of feeling like going on it may be the only thing that could keep you alive. It is a disconnect that is extremely uncomfortable.
Unfortunately medicine isn't that friendly to things outside of its circle, so that makes other things difficult to do. I really need a hell of a lot more help than what I am asking for, but I am somehow hoping that I will be able to manage to make other things work, if I have some peace of mind about making this happen between now and January.
If there is any part of you, or your heart, that thinks you could somehow help make this happen, it would be appreciated in ways I could never express. The idea of having to cope with chemo again is more terrifying than you may realize. But, if the docs wind up being correct, it may be the only thing that will keep me here a/k/a "alive." But being here, and unable to function, while needing support/money is the most terrifying aspect of it all.
If there is any way you can help...even if just $1, or $5, please, please, please consider helping.
PS Since not everyone has a desire to be thanked publicly, I will only thank you privately, unless you express a different preference. I am happy to thank you any which way I can, and in a way that works for you. I always think that the world should know about the great people who extend themselves. Please realize, too, that I have a lot going on, so if the thank you isn't immediate, your understanding is appreciated.