Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I Bet You Feel Pulled in Many Directions

I bet there is a lot pulling on you. A lot expected of you. A lot asked of you. A lot you just have to deal with, things you want to deal with and thing that should never have been your problem in the first place.

I know it has to suck.

Now imagine someone comes along and tells you you have no choice but to take on a full time job. The hours are endless. Some hours will be more active than others. Some will be less. But essentially you are on call, and aware that you are now "employed" in this manner 24 hours a day.

This job becomes your priority. It takes all you got to give and leave you depleted in relation to all relationships and any other jobs you may have. There are many more times than you would like that you have to put everything else aside; you have no choice.

Many are hurt by this job you had no choice but to take on. Many feel slighted, and don't understand why you do and say the things you do and say, or why you need to refrain from some things or handle them as you do. Many will never have had this job, but will often try to tell you how to do it better.

You don't even know how to handle things at first. All you ever knew about this job came from what others said. And no one ever said things about what you are dealing with. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Your head spins while you try to cope...while you try to cope with the fact that others also have the same illusion of what the job was supposed to be like and can't imagine why it would be as different as you say.

As far as the "benefits" go...you aren't paid for this job. As a matter of fact, it has the tendency to take away much of your money making ability from any paid jobs you do have. It, in some cases, even affects those you are in a relationship with. In some odd way, it pays itself by extracting what it can from what you have. Savings are depleted. All accounts are emptied, and credit card issues can loom larger with each passing month. The less you have to pay the larger the bills can become.

You appear to have endless time off, but what others don't realize is that that "benefit" comes from being in pain and not being able to function. Oftentimes it means a lot of sleep that most others would welcome, but you have no choice. You can't push through like you did before you got this job. Your body just shuts down, and you have to sleep. The fact is there are times it can be a welcome thing as a way to escape how horrible and overwhelmed you feel.

Whenever you try to explain what you are going through to others, they think they know what you are dealing with; they're overwhelmed, too. It is the same thing, right? Well. That is often how they treat you. They know how you feel. They know what is going on, and they're not always inclined to help because "we're all going through something."

All those times you saw others with this job you really had no idea what they were dealing with, and you, at times, feel badly for the shoulder shrugs and what amounted to empty words. You said you wished you could help. The fact is, you could have. You were struggling to pay bills, but you could have given as little as $1, which would have meant the world to that person, but you were too afraid to look cheap. Besides, someone else had to be helping, right? After all, you hear stories about all the help people get in this job. Why would they really need YOUR help?

You know you could have done better. Maybe not for every person who ever asked, but you know there were more you could have helped well beyond where you went. You may even begin to wonder if it is some sort of karmic payback when you are now in this job, and many have little to no understanding to help, and their reasons for not giving sound like the ones you used to have. You know "better" now, but you have no idea how to convey to others how you know this new information - especially without the possibility of triggering or offending them.

Many more are inclined to see what they think they see, and would rather tell you to be grateful for what is, rather than focusing on the fact that you have an even greater need. You're not really sure how it helps, but you know that you, too, were once there, as well. Another karmic pay-back? So many of the things you have believed, said and done and not said and not done come back to haunt while you deal with this job.

The job is a great teacher. But it exacts an incredible toll. You remember all of the jobs you felt you never could leave, but ultimately did, and you hope that this is one of them. But it isn't a job a majority ever get to leave, and that weighs in the background of your mind from time to time while you try to figure out a way be one who does.

You know you can't go on this way. Sooner or later something is going to have to give, and you hope it isn't going to be you.

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