I have a few thoughts and ideas of things I might try. I also had a thought yesterday that I am feeling slightly different about today.
Yesterday I was thinking about how, if cancer is in the picture when I die, people will say cause of death was cancer. I cannot tell you how wrong I think that is.
Had I written this yesterday, I would have said that what will kill me is not the illness, but having to deal with all of the issues around the illness. There is so much to deal with around this illness that is - in some ways - more sick than the illness itself.
Having said that, I saw an interesting video today about how when death comes, maybe it is time to go. That the soul no longer needs to do one more thing. The ego might feel otherwise, but maybe it is time to go.
A part of me is scared to say these things. It makes me wonder if I have given up. It makes me wonder if others will think I have given up.
Is this thinking preparing me to die, or preparing me to live more fully in the life I have?
So many questions, as always. So many emotions. Just so freaking much.
There are times I wonder what the purpose of life truly is. We are constantly running from here to there, rarely acknowledging life itself. It is about where we go. What we have, or don't have. Where we live.
I am sure if we did not have a need to go to the bathroom, we never would. It would not make the list of things we wanted or needed to do. But it is one of those things that demand our attention on a regular basis. The "funny" thing is that many will do other things while there. in those cases it isn't even fully what it is.
We are good at auto-piloting ourselves. We are good at settling into routines. We are good at avoiding many of the things right in front of us. We are good at plowing through stuff.
I could be wrong, but I kinda doubt life was supposed to be full of distractions. Occasionally, perhaps. But constantly? I doubt it.
Dealing with cancer simultaneously cuts out crap, but it creates new types of crap. It tends to make one question what really is important, and worth pursuing.
Dealing with cancer calls attention to the myriad of useless things and worries. It shows what really is important. Being able to get out of bed and using the bathroom is one of them.
It gets down to the simplest of things. In a world of stuff that might seem sad or in some ways devastating. But I think it really can be quite liberating.
The stripping down process can feel quite humiliating that is for certain. But it is only because we have gotten so far away from who we are at the core.
It is odd, in a way, to consider that humiliation often is associated with stripped down versions of ourselves. What is wrong with basic and simple?
It has become so hard to simply be who we are for fear of the likely inevitable judgments. How much do we do to please and appease others?
It is easy to get caught up. I see it all the time. It is easy to get caught in the mess that life can be when you think there is always a tomorrow to get it right, or straighten it out. The urgency of the moment is replaced by distractions. The irony is that most will think they're in the moment, but they're actually caught in the web of the distraction.
How do you know which it is? Likely you do know without even having to ask the question. The times you run past someone in need to get somewhere on time. The time you put off a friend or child who needs to talk because you have something else you need to do.
Logically you will make an argument that it it just how things are or need to be. Really? Is that really true? And if it is "true" does it need to remain true?
Why do we allow ourselves to settle into things that do not really work? Probably because we don't realize just how little they work until we find ourselves in that place of need and so many are off doing their own thing.
Some might say they were doing what is best for themselves by not engaging with others. What if the opposite was - at least sometimes - true? What if engaging with others was what was best for us?
How do we know? By listening to the inner gut and voice. For many that voice has been quieted, or silenced altogether. It has been replaced by the seeming all-encompassing value of logic.
Logic has its place. The problem is that many times acts of humanity and love either defy logic or create a different kind of logic than we have been indoctrinated with. So it does not compute.
At this point, when I die I want it to be from an empowered place of my soul. I hope it will be without my body or ego suffering. And when I die, I hope that cancer will only be a footnote of the life I left behind.
And while I live, I desire from my heart to make cancer a secondary character of this journey. It is all some people see when it comes to me, but like you, there is so much more to me, life and living than one label that I wear.
That is one of those things I hope to leave behind. It is a message about so much more. It is a message about love and expressions of our humanity. It is about our ability to freely be ourselves without being stifled or limited by labels.
It is also a message my ego hopes to be around for a good, long time to explore and share and be a (healthy) conduit for.