I Have These Moments...

So many things are going through my head.

I am listening to music that is "all" about relationships. The last song had "marry me" repeated over and over. There is a part of me that is not happy about my situation in that regard. So many questions. Too many.

I have been scanning my art work from the last several weeks. I want to be done. Good thing is I am probably more than half way. Bad thing is it is only the beginning of what needs to be done with the images. And my shoulders hurt sooooo much.

I have also been thinking about what I want to do to take care of myself in the next several weeks. I will be getting high dose Vitamin C and am working out what else I "should" do. I am hoping that it will help me have my miracle. Unfortunately, though, I sadly won't be surprised if chemo looms around the corner.

Is is an accurate "feeling?" Or is it my fear? I struggle with where I am in relation to all of this. If only "thinking positive" was as easy as it sounded, and if only thinking positively meant it would cure all. All would be right with the world.

This week I have several things to contend with, including Disability. Oh Boy. I am just so very excited. Well. Um. Maybe.

I am trying to do so many things in the midst of the pain I feel and the overwhelm and the tiredness and the chaos of having so much to deal with simultaneously as I stand on the cliff. I also need to see if I can get some "parties" together in the next few weeks. I want to believe I will be in great shape come January...but what if I am not? It will not be fun to try to do parties and deal with stuff then. Chemo doesn't help one feel good enough to do much.

I know. I am not speaking very positively at the moment. It is just what is present for me. Better to get it out as is than to deny it.

I am doing all I can.

The cloud of the storm is nearby. I can feel it. I have these moments...