I don't know what most people are coming away with in my conversations, but at least in one case I do actually know since the person wrote about our meeting.
In what he wrote he said I was dying of ovarian cancer. Sometimes I wonder if I am in a form of denial about my situation. I think it could be why I was so devastated by my last doctor visit.
At the same time, we ALL are dying. Some people just don't know what to blame just yet. And some people will never know what got 'em.
A key part of this experience for me has been perspective. I never once spoke about "fighting" cancer. There were many things that seem to be a part of the language and conversation about cancer that I was unwilling to take on for myself.
I did not want to do chemo, but instead of thinking about putting poison in my body, I chose to look at it as a friend and an ally.
When it comes to "dying of cancer" I cringe. When my time comes, I would rather cancer not have such a prominent place in my death. As in life, I tend to think it is all many people will likely focus on: that horrible illness that starts with the big "c."
You will notice, perhaps, I never capitalize it. It had been very important to me to get it out of the awkward conversational space into something less awkward. I have a theory that people do not cope well with it because all they see is the illness and the fear. They don't see the person behind the illness.
The unfamiliar makes us uncomfortable. If people could become more familiar with the illness and its aspects, perhaps there would be a chance that those who like me who feel isolated or are in need would get the support that is so important.
As long as people see the cancer experience as a negative one those who deal with it will continue to be perceived in a negative way as well. As I write, I wonder if it is a modern day plague. It is no wonder so many do not want to talk about it. Not many know how to act, and wind up not acting at all.
If you need help, it is one thing not to ask for it. It is another to ask for it, and not get it. And ask. And ask. And ask.
I would be willing to bet many who ask for help would rather not. Asking for me has been an option of last resort. Imagine how desperate I must have felt to ask for help. Then imagine in that point of desperation how I must have felt to be greeted by a great deal of silence.
This trip has allowed me to once again be me. Those who knew me before this I am guessing are in some ways tired of the story, " Isn't she better yet?"
I was done with chemo, and considered clear. Everyone was just so happy for me. Everything was just so awesome, right?
What many did not get was that the repercussions of treatment lingered, and it was more than just physical ones. What they did not get was that suddenly all was not right with the world. The stars did not align. It was not back to business as usual.
It is not that I wanted to be pitied. But I wanted to have others understand what so many willfully chose to ignore. I wanted them to see things as they were, not as they wished - or hoped - them to be.
It wasn't my attitude that needed to be fixed or adjusted. I wasn't wrong for the things I felt. My moments of dealing with the severity of my situation were integral to me and my process of dealing with things while at the same time an inconvenience to many.
Well. I have been sorry for that. At the same time I often turn it around and say, "If it makes YOU feel badly, imagine how it must make me feel."
I not only have to live with it, I have to live with the inability of others to deal with it.
The blinders I once had have been taken off. I now see things a lot differently. It is what happens when you are no longer an outsider. You see the inner workings, and oftentimes they're not as pretty as the surface was at a distance.
I can no longer look at something and stay silent. Silence is not the friend we have been taught it is. We have been taught it is the proper thing to do by those who are uncomfortable with our speech. Don't want someone to do something? Make them as uncomfortable as possible when doing it.
If you are uncomfortable about something it has nothing to do with the other person. It is about YOU. It is easier to point the finger and find fault and try to control or ignore things that give you discomfort than to look into the mirror.
I know because I, like you, have this very human tendency. I am certainly not perfect, and I see many doing things I likely did before I joined the cancer club.
I share these things because I want to make people less squeamish about the topic. I am probably making some very uncomfortable. It is not exactly my intention. At the same time, there are times we need to be face to face with something before we can really see it.
Odds are very few people will do that.
It is not that I want to do it. It is more that I feel compelled to. As a whole the world needs us to better understand the things we do not personally know, and the best way for that to happen is to learn from those who do.
Learning is a choice, though. At least while it is something outside of you. The minute it is a part of your own experience, avoidance may no longer be possible.
We all learn the best way for us and our life experience, so it may very well be this falls on deaf ears. At the same time, maybe this will speak to someone in a way that has the potential to matter and make a difference.
Any which way, this may sound like it is about you, but it is really about me. I can't not say these things. I sometimes wish I could be as silent and private as the next person, but one part of me can't be and another part of me won't be.
So take or leave what I say. However I am willing to bet if you saw this, there was a reason you needed to see it. If I am right, I would love to hear. While I act like I don't really care how I come across at times, it really helps me to know when the things I say have an impact and make a difference.
Quite frankly, it is one of the reasons I think I am still here and have not given up. I would like to think I matter. I would like to think I say things in a way that has others think - and question things.
Even if you disagree with me, the fact that you can means you engaged with me. And what is the point of us all being here together if we do not engage?
Maybe things like cancer are supposed to teach us how to better engage with others, but because we don't understand it, and are fearful of it, we are in some way missing the point. If there is one.
Just a thought.
Thanks, as always, for allowing me to visit your head - and maybe even into your heart. I hope to be around to be able to do it for a long time to come.
Much love to you in your journey - grateful that our paths have crossed, even if the reason is not readily known.
I am ever fascinated by the things I don't know because of the things I think I do.
With JoLoPe*
Elizabeth
*JOyLOvePEace
PS I am still on my trip for a few more days, if you could please continue to share about it, me, my mission I would be most appreciative. Don't know what I am talking about? Copy this link into your browser http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2013/10/about-triphow-to-donate.html
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