Thoughts on Mental Frustrations

I am often reminded of how my mind doesn't make connections as well as it might have at one time. The most recent occurrence? I did not connect the abrupt change of plan with what happened Thursday with a need to inform my sister, who planned to join me tomorrow.

I know some people will think that it is likely a "simple" thing, it isn't so simple. It has become difficult to make connections. I still very much am more likely to live and function in the moment than I am to be able to make connections for the future. It is like missing a connecting flight I didn't know I had.

Or something like that.

I found myself wondering if those who think that I don't handle things very well are ones that have ever personally dealt with cancer and treatment from this side of things. My guess is that it is not.

I feel badly about what happened today, but I don't know how best to handle things. It would be a lot easier for me to just reach out when I want the help, and have the person materialize than to have to plan for their presence and be aware of their needs. And while, for some it may seem selfish and self-centered of me to say that, and while it might be, it is also a function of how my brain is/is not working these days.

It is a challenge to add more things to the things I have to cope with. Even the simple things aren't so simple. I also find it difficult to convey how I feel in general. Most people probably look at me and think I must be fine. I don't look sick. I do things. I get around. I took a trip cross-country, for heaven's sake.

But what they don't realize is that all they see are the superficial aspects of my life. They don't see the hiccups. They don't see the misfirings. They don't see the times I stumble, or can't get myself to where I want to be. They may at times even think me lazy because I will ask for them to do something because I am concerned I might just forget. Yes. I could make lists or use a calendar, but then I have to remember to look at them. I have to remember I have them in the first place.

If I don't do something right when I think about it, I can forget what I wanted to do. Even if I go to do it in the moment, I might still have a pretty good brain fart. The thought just disappears. Sometimes I am lucky enough, and it comes back - unlike when I was still on chemo. On chemo it was often gone, for good.

I wish I knew how to explain to people that the only reason I can seem to function as well as I do is because I do not function that well, and that much. I have moments in which I do nothing at all. For some it may seem just as it is for anyone. The thing is, it is, and it isn't. It magnifies and amplifies the issues that we all deal with from time to time.

Even when I think about what it would be like to have a "real" job, I realize I can't. Someone could tell me something in one minute, and I'd walk away and it could potentially be gone. I wouldn't be very effective or efficient. I am not much of either right now, and it can be exhausting. When one has limited energy, it hurts to use energy to either retain what may be too easily gone or to have to re-do something because the mind isn't allowing for clear and precise functioning. Every day I waste a lot of time and energy because I can't hold thoughts together.

One day maybe I will figure out how to convey this in a way that is helpful to those who haven't a clue. Maybe this is the day. Maybe this is just a warm-up. Maybe I already have - and it's a replay. You have no idea how many things I do and say that I have forgotten I have done or said.

But for now, I am going to do a few things and wrap up for the night. I have to be up early tomorrow. I also find out the results of my last scan. All good thoughts welcome and appreciated.

Have a good night.