Sunday, November 24, 2013

Running Running Running

My life is in a state of chaos. So much is a mess. There are is a paint mess. There is a paperwork mess. My taxes for the last two years are still undone. I have not heard a peep about Disability. I will soon be moving. I have been trying to spend as much time as possible being creative so that I will have things to sell at an expo in a couple of weeks. Tomorrow is my radio show. The list is endless. And I am flying by the seat of my pants. So often when this has happened, people try to tell me to plan. They try to tell me to put things in boxes. Well, the thing is that my trip kinda, sorta was the antithesis of that way of thinking and doing things, and it not only worked, it worked really well. Much of my life, when I think about it has been that way, actually. And I have managed.

I know some would say it couldn't have worked that well, given how things currently look. I don't know what I think, given I often think things are defined differently than I think we are accustomed to hearing they are. When it comes to "proof," I wonder if I could be wrong. At the same time, a part of me says I am not.

Today I did a bit of cooking. It was the first that I have done in a while. It was an awesome, blustery fall day, and it it just felt perfect to do. At some point I will be posting more of my work, and possibly another video of Show and Tell. I really would love some help getting the word out about my artistic self and the things I have been creating. I really don't need all of the things I have been creating. I would love to get them out into the world. If you think you can help, please be in touch and we can figure out how that would work.

This is the second night in a row I am feeling anxious. I am also tired. I need to go to bed soon.

One other thing that has been on my mind is my desire to have a relationship. It is something that has been sidelined because of everything that has been going on. It is also affected by the fact that I can't say that I am clear of cancer. It is very difficult to interact with guys and not be open about it initially. I was reading a forum thread last night about people's opinions about when and how to talk about it on a dating site, and how one may react to the "c" word. Nothing about the array of responses surprised me.

I feel like it could be a great screening tool. On the other hand, the few times I have met someone I waited to meet them in person before explaining what was going on. A part of me feels like maybe if they get to know me a bit, they won't be so quick to run. When you don't know something, it is all too easy to run from things not truly understood. Under a diagnosis of cancer there is a person. Unfortunately all too often all a person will see is the diagnosis.

What many don't get is that next week they could be diagnosed themselves, or be in an accident. Our lives can change in a heartbeat. I know we like to play pretend that everything is just fine all the time if it is in this time, but life doesn't play by the rules we pretend it has.

I sometimes think about being very honest on my profile - to the point of putting a link to this blog. I am not sure I can do that, at least not yet. In the meantime, though, I keep feeling like I haven't "met" someone that is really on the wavelength I need them to be any way. I know guys are a lot about sex. I get it. I really do. But the thing is I really need someone to be about more than that - even without a diagnosis to contend with. I really hope that I will find someone, and the one thing that I keep thinking about is (I believe) Richard Marx, who asked to meet a woman with Stage IV cancer - knowing she was in Stage IV. I have to believe that if there is someone for me to meet, he will look past the cancer and see me.

In the meantime, for the first time in a while I am feeling lonely and wishing I had someone special.


If you believe in me, and what I am doing with this blog, can you please vote for me (and ask others to)? It isn't so much about winning as it is about getting the word out into the world about the things that often go wordless. Thanks!

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