Want to Truly, Fully Live?

It is 6:46am Pacific, local time, although the clock in the room at my motel says 6:48. At least it is not 3:00 like it was a week, or so ago, although in some way it could have been a good thing if it had been that early as I will need to be at the Seattle Airport tomorrow at 6:00.

I have been online for about a half an hour. A part of me says do pics, another says no. Just be. Just be with this moment. Just be with what you are feeling - all of it - including the anxiety.

Pictures would be a distraction.

Yesterday my present was filled with my past. I was listening to the radio, and all kinds of songs from many different times in my life played. I got stuck in traffic and reminded of what it used to be like to commute to work.

I went in the wrong direction more than once and was reminded of how getting lost would be stressful to me. Now it is more of a hiccup, an oops. (But more than once? That I don't really understand.)

Did I somehow think I would prolong my trip by the extra driving?

I got gas probably for the last time yesterday at an Oregon gas station. Apparently, it is unlawful to fill your own tank. It was rather nostalgic for me, as the attendants even washed my bug -stained car windows.

I am not sure how many miles I have travelled, but I am pretty sure it is close to 5000. Most of them I have been by myself physically, but I am sure that those who love me have been with me in spirit. I have often not felt alone.

There is something about being in a car, driving that energizes and nurtures me. There were some times I was sleepy - even in bright daylight and with cars around. But there were other times I was remarkably awake.

There are times I drove for hours and it didn't seem that way, and then the last 2 days where there was less territory covered, but it seemed to be taking forever.

Right now I am beside myself in some ways. A part of me wonders if I learned enough. Did enough. Talked to enough people. Did I do this trip "right"? Did I do my intention justice?

Another part knows it was exactly the way it was supposed to be - every last part of it. Every rest stop stop. Every picture taken. Every conversation had.

I did exactly what I set out to do - LIVE LIFE. I did not set out a plan to go by. I set out to take a trip and that is exactly what I did. I had zero expectations of what would occur between Point A and Point B. I had no number of people I had to talk to, or cards to give out every day, no pre-designated stop.

The fact is I have no idea how many cards were given out in total. Some only got the ovarian cancer card, others got both. I had optimistically printed 1000 trip cards. I am not sure if I even gave away 250. 

But it doesn't matter. This trip is my life, and it is not over. I will still be traveling through life when I get back east. The difference is that I will have to be dealing with different stuff.

I am already wondering how I will do it. I REALLY want to get back on the road and do more of this. I was already wondering how to do something like this before I was diagnosed. 

I am meant to do this. I am not even sure what "this" is in totality, but it feels so incredibly right.

I know people were worried about my taking this trip. Those "people" included me. I have felt pretty good, all things considered, and can only hope that it is a sign of some amazing news to come.

Even if the docs give me news I would rather not hear, I am still here. I am still living now, and I want to live as fully as I can, as long as I can.

That should be in some part the goal of all of us. We all know a Finish Line is coming. We can't be surprised when we get there, but many are since we like to act like there is always going to be another opportunity to love someone, to say good bye, to visit a place, to do that thing.

As long as we think that way, we act like a person who does not value their money. We squander opportunities to truly live and to completely, deeply love. 

We fill our lives with crap that is in some way supposed to fulfill us, but often is only a distraction. The food of the soul is the most nourishing, and it is the one we are most deficient in.

Truly connecting with another takes logic and ego out of the equation. Truly loving someone is timeless and without a plan to implement.

To truly live the life we live, it is a matter of how the moments are filled and felt more than it is about anything else we may think it is or could be.

I am grateful to have been able to not only figure it out, but live it. Although it was through living it that I got to figure it out.

It was through listening to that inner voice that got me to that point. What a gift that voice is, except so many of us silence it because of how it will make us look to another if we listen to it. But how does a denial of it have us see ourselves?

Maybe to truly live life is to fully embrace ourselves for that is when we find the most joy and peace, and are able to have the quiet to love another, because the "space" in and around us is not filled with stuff.

For years I have been talking about people being true to themselves. Little did I know how much of that equation I was missing. It is not about a lone situation or choice. It is not about a circumstance. It is about a way of life, a way of living.

It is about embracing each and every part of life - including the less desirable ones. It is about walking up to those things in front of us we would so much rather avoid and throwing our arms around it and giving it a big hug. It is about welcoming the opportunity that each and everyone and everything gives us to experience ourselves more fully.

Feel free to remind me of this if I seem to forget. We all have moments we awaken, only to hit the snooze. I hope that I won't be doing that, but life has a way about itself that takes us places we never anticipated going, so ya just never know.

We never know anything, really. We just think we do.

I will never fully know the impact of this trip. The beauty of it, though, is that the impact I am aware of is pretty dang awesome. 

I am grateful to that inner voice, and even more grateful that I not only knew I had to listen, but that I did. 

What does your inner voice tell you?