This, as I am headed to a doctor's appointment. I keep telling myself I already know the worst. I already know what can happen today. There is nothing left to fear. But the thing is, going to the doctor almost seems to hurt and hinder more than anything. Whether they speak what they believe, or not, I can feel it.
I have been thinking lately about how in order to cope, I have to sometimes be in a state of shutting down or denial. That means avoiding people and conversations that I do not feel are in my best interest. But the problem is that those actions take their toll on me, too. It feels like a drain, and there is a heaviness.
I don't know if people realize - or care - or that it makes a difference in the grand scheme of things - that those who are like me and dealing with what we deal with have a hard enough time coping without having to cope with other people's stuff. And, even when you don't say anything, how you feel can still - and likely will - be communicated.
If someone you know is dealing with something, and it seems they are pulling away, what I am talking about could be part of the cause. There are times I want nothing more than to have nothing to do with the world and the people in it. It is nothing personal - although at times I could imagine it probably feels like it is.
I don't want to have to repeat myself. I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to have to explain myself.
I just spoke with Jean, one of the beautiful shamans I have worked with. She is the one I work with the most regularly. I was really feeling emotional. I can't tell if I am feeling what is coming, or wif it is what came before. It might even be a bit of both.
Jean suggested that I take back my power. It is such a simple, yet powerful statement. How do I feel? It is all too easy to get caught in the ground swell of other people's stuff.
For some reason this morning I was thinking about something that happened when I was in 9th grade. I was in a poetry class that I did not want to take. I do not remember the circumstances around it, but I knew I needed to drop it. I was adamant about it.
At one point an administrator asked me what was going to happen in terms of the course. My response was that I would get an incomplete. Apparently there was no such thing. I remember shrugging off the fact that I would receive an F for the course.
I have no idea what that was all about. I have no idea why I was so desperate to drop the course, or why I was so adamant that I had to. I have no idea why I was so non-chalant about an F. I cared about my grades. But I did what I felt was right for me. It did not prevent me from going on to the next grade, or graduating, or getting into the college of my choice.
The administrator, I think, thought it was a bigger deal than I ever did.
Maybe there is something in that situation that is helpful for me to see now.There is really nothing about that situation that I understand within what happened. But what I do know is that I did what felt right to me, despite what anyone else thought, and the world went on.
The same thing was true when I decided to take my cross country trip. The doctors did not advise it. I came back to a lowered tumor marker, and I am still here. And I have something that I would not have had, had I listened to them. Maybe even two things. The second is my life. I really felt like my life depended on that trip. I had to go.
With every part of me, I believe I did the right thing.
I can't seem to escape those who feel in ways that do not contribute to my well-being, no matter how well-intentioned they are. I would giess there is a reason, and my thought is that it might be for me to be able to stand up within it, and be centered on me, despite what happens around me. That is the truest form of power there is.
It takes strength to stand up for what is within, instead of being swayed by, and engulfed in, the emotions and fears you, or others, have about the situation. Maybe there are times I am not sure I have that strength. Maybe that is why there are times I seek to avoid situations I know will be uncomfortable.
As this was written at various points in the day, it is quite disjointed...and has no real ending...oh well.