Stream of Consciousness

I wrote this on March 9th. It is really more a stream of consciousness than anything else...I share it as is as I have no desire to re-write or edit it or anything, other than post it. There are times that I write things that never get published, and therefore are lost, because they are more fragments of my mind. Those are the times I am more acutely aware that someone reading may expect my post to make sense, and to have a relatable/predictable structure. Well. This one doesn't. So feel free to move along after this warning. I won't be offended. Heck. I won't even know.

---

For once I was in bed - asleep - before midnight. Wow. 

The result? I woke up at 5:30.

I would rather be sleeping right now. But instead I am thinking about an email I received.

It is a response to an inquiry I made. I am trying to figure out what bothers me about it. I knew I might get the kind of response I did, which is why I inquired before acting.

The thing is, I think, that I am really frustrated by the world I have come to know. I have a recording that I am willing to give away, even though, quite frankly, selling it would be much better - given my critical financial situation.

But the thing is, I can't even seem to find forums in which to do that because it is seen as a product, and I guess, marketing/selling. So many are so sensitive these days about not allowing selling that I somehow wonder if we are missing something.

Why can't we be more open? I do not think what I was offering was even out of context. I felt it fit part of what was being offered/discussed in the group. But I have to respect their parameters. I really don't have a choice if I want to remain /participate there.

Maybe that is partly what bothers me: the "no choice" part. Maybe it also taps into the part of me that feels useless in the world. I have so much to offer, and there are many times I can't even seem to give it away for free.

So many different triggers to choose from. Lucky me :p.

It just really frustrates the hell out of me at times. It is in part why more than once the last several years I have questioned my existence/the purpose of my even being here.

There are too many times I either feel invisible or in some way inappropriate when visible.

I don't like the way I feel right now. I feel like I am not supposed to feel this way. I feel like I am supposed to understand,  be gracious and smile.

Of course what other people want is OK. I think it is somehow more about how what they want makes me feel about what I want.

I do not feel like I am wrong, but if you listened to the others, it would sure seem like I was. In some way, it is the story of my life that replays in so many different ways and environments.

My stomach is in knots right now. I know whatever this is runs a lot deeper than an email. I just really don't know what it is that is really bothering me, and perhaps even worse, even if by some chance I do know, I don't know how to "fix" it. 

When I say that, I feel terrified.

Maybe it isn't whatever "it" is that bothers me, but the fact that maybe I seemingly might not be able to do anything to change it.

Now my stomach is really not happy, and I feel emotional. And tired. Maybe I want to sleep to escape this turmoil, anger and upset. I really do not know what to do with it.

In some ways, I think this taps into my very survival. If I wasn't worried about how I was going to make it financially, would I still feel this way? Would it matter as much? At all? Somehow I don't think it would.

When you feel your life is somehow interdependent with the life of others, it is really hard when others don't see things as you do. And even worse, it is harder when you feel so strongly about how differently you feel about things.

The difference doesn't in and of itself bother me, but rather the effects of that difference in my life.

So why don't I just change so I can fit in? Why am I being so damn stubborn? As uncomfortable as it is, it feels like the right thing to do. And it is not like no one agrees with me, but it's not easy to stand in a place that the current is running in the opposite direction than you want to go.  

So many will tell you you must be wrong, that it would be easier to give in, that if it is that difficult there must be a better or different way. 

I heard things like that all too many times that I listened to. Did it make me happy? Content? Peaceful? Maybe for a little while. But after a time it really did not feel like it fit. It didn't seem like it was at the start. What I was told I began to question.

My poor stomach.

The idea that it is easier to go with the flow can sometimes be an illusion. Sometimes the cost to self can be too great to go the same way everyone else is going. Just because they're all headed in the same direction doesn't make it right, or even the best option. But somewhere along the way we were led to believe that. 

As long as we buy into the illusion, it's all good. That is probably why it isn't so easy to awaken or ask questions. You know how grumpy some people are when you wake them up. Sometimes the dream reality is so much better than the real life one. It is certainly the one most people are willing to buy into.

So what does this all mean? Why am I saying all of this? Am I awake? Do I see things that others don't? Are those things really there? Or is it just an illusion?

I feel like in some ways I am saying I am "right" in how I view things, and it could come across as others are wrong. I think what it is is that I do not think I am as alone as I sometimes feel. I think others have travelled similar paths and have similar questions. But the thing is that it is often scary to listen to that inner voice - especially when it takes extra effort and others are too scared to do anything different than what they have done or are doing.

Maybe if I could find a way to stop judging my situation I could find some peace around it. It is not the easiest thing to do, though, as many situations in life count on the discomfort of being on the outside to keep people wanting to be on the inside. And it is the judgment that helps to create that dynamic. 

The problem is now that I am here, I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I am just not sure how to go forward. It is a lot easier to walk in someone else's footsteps than to make your own. The only problem with that is that if they are someone else's footsteps and path, there is a good chance you may be missing your own.

Stomach still not great, but better.

It really helps to write...even if I haven't figured out the Secrets of Life. It really helps to get it out. There is often too much floating around inside of me that isn't exactly helpful.

Writing is a release. It is also a way for me to think out loud. There are times it really does help me work things out - at least for myself. 

I wonder how much of life is about/for us and how much is about/for others? I sometimes think we are much too focused on others at a significant cost to ourselves. And, if we allowed ourselves to be more about ourselves, I think we might be that much better in relation to others. 

But it would take a pretty sizable paradigm shift to make that happen. But by knowing and loving ourselves we would find ourselves less threatened by those around us, and we might find ways  to be more cooperative with each other, and less likely to buy into a need for manipulation to get what we think we want. Perhaps we would even more easily and naturally get what we needed.