Sunday, March 2, 2014

(Mostly) At Peace with the Questions

I am not doing so great today.

For starters, I was up until after 4:00 this morning. I didn't intend to be up that late, but circumstances led me to that point, and I would say it was overall a good thing. I was up and struggling. Something was telling me to reach out to someone in particular, and I didn't want to. I was really fighting it, actually.

But then I did, and they responded. And they were available to talk. I asked if they had any good jokes. They said no. I asked if they had any bad ones. Apparently lots.

The bad joke told to me cracked me up. It was a moment of relief. I had so much pressure built up inside of me, and it was nice to just let the valve open and release. We wound up talking for a while, and it was really nice. It done good for my soul.

When am I going to really learn to listen and stop stopping myself? I am getting better in the big picture, but there are still moments I think *I* somehow know better. The feeling was so persistent I felt like I had to give in. I am glad I did.

Sandra Bearden has decided to take the helm of the fundraising idea brought forward by Olivia. Olivia wanted to do it, but felt that she couldn't. I think she may have felt worse about it than I did. I figured she would do whatever she felt was best, and the rest would take care of itself. Then Sandra stepped in.

Sandra has all kinds of ideas, and I am a bit exhausted by all that she is proposing. I know that sounds kind of silly, but it is a bit overwhelming. I hope to be able to do whatever I need to do to help her (and others) do whatever it is that they are able to create. Quite frankly, there is a part of me that is a bit uneasy because of the uncertainty.

The other day I was speaking with the shaman I have been working with. I was a bit stressed about what might be coming with my next appointment which is now overdue, due to weather and other things. One of my angels stepped forward and quite plainly said, "It will be what it will be." Well. Yes. But, c'mon. You likely could understand why I would be feeling as I do, given my circumstances, right?

Well. That was kinda all I got. Jean (the shaman) did a bit of questioning for me, and left me with the thought/idea that there is a good chance things will work out. Who knows what that means, really, though? No one really knows what is gonna happen, and "work out" could mean so many different things.

I think I am exhausted in part because of how the Avastin is treating me, and I also think it is the stuff that goes through my mind as I consider what I do next. I often question where my decisions/feelings come from. Is it a gut feeling? Is it based on a fear? Am I being logical?

A part of me has felt that the reason I have felt so torn is because I know the answers. The problem is that the answers will not fit what others will believe is best. Of that I am certain. I dread having to have the conversations that I think will be inevitable.

But here's the thing: I feel like I am at a place of "acceptance." I think some may confuse it with "giving up," given what they think they know. I think some may even think it a form of denial. But I have been through so much that I think I have really come to the point that if it truly is my time to go, then I accept it.

Of course, I hope that that is not the case. I hope that I get to stick around for a while and do and say a lot more. But there is no way for me to know what is going to happen until I get to the point that I make the choices that show up in that moment.

I may think I know what I will or will not do. But I also think there is a chance that at some point down the road I could feel differently. And even if I don't, I will just accept that it is my time to move on. I recently told someone I would come back to haunt them, but that I would be a friendly ghost, LOL.

I see clearly, as clearly as I can, that if I love someone we are connected, and that there will likely still be ways to connect even if I cease to be here physically. Am I right about it? I would imagine that it's anyone's guess. I have been reading about NDEs (Near Death Experiences) and seeing what I might glean from them. The "problem" is that there are disparities of opinions and experiences about what happens in death, just as there are about what happens in life.

But it doesn't really matter what I believe, when the time comes, whatever will happen, will. Pretty much the same as my guardian angel said about my next appointment. This experience of life is such a freaking mystery, and it seems it is meant to be that way. Maybe it keeps us on our toes.

Tonight I found myself wanting to eat, but not wanting to eat. It is a surreal feeling for me. It is rare that I don't welcome food. I have been wanting to cook something for days, but haven't had the energy. I am not getting out of bed before noon.

I had said in my previous 45-minute video that I no longer wanted to talk about where things are - unless they change. I said it as I was doing my best to sum up all of my experience for anyone who may have questions.

I kinda doubt people will sit through a 45-minute video, but I did not know how better to convey the breadth of my experience, and that is how long it became. It is exhausting to have to continually repeat myself. In some ways it also feels like I am constantly defending myself and my need to those who may not know me or my situation - and occasionally to even those I do know.

I don't know what to do, and a part of me feels done. If it's the depression and the Avastin, it's a scary thought, as I am very much still needing to do things. If it is more a calm and a knowing that things will work out, that would be so much better. The problem is I am not clear which it is. For all I know it could be a coincidence of the two.

I am not sure if I will be continually as open as I have been. A part of me gets concerned about how people will perceive the news and my choices. It bothers me that I seem to need to sell my illness. Stage XX. ovarian cancer. XX year old female. Single. No Children. Has tried this. Hasn't tried that. This is why. Had a hysterectomy. In the midst of recurrence. The worse I can make it sound, perhaps the better chance I have of getting much needed help. But even at my worst, I am often met more with silence than with actual help.

Please know that if things get to the point that I get signs that it looks like I could leave this life, I will let you know. I will also let you know if things get better. But while I am actively dealing with the twists and turns and questions of my situation, I just don't feel like it is in my best interest to be as forthcoming around my physical situation and diagnosis.

I certainly hope you can understand. I am going to continue to blog and share about how I am in other ways for anyone who might be interested in the journey that I am on. There are so many other aspects to it that continually pop up to be explored and learned from.

I am so tired right now. I am hoping that if I go to bed, I can get to sleep. It is odd how lately the minute I decide to go to bed, to sleep, I am rearing to go. I have to believe there is some reason, on some level, for that. In addition to what happened for me personally last night, a Facebook friend had posted about how things weren't going well for her cat. She seemed to need to have someone witness and interact with her. I shouldn't have been online at that time, but I was, and I am glad that I could be there for her, as it seemed to help.

There is so much about life right now that I really don't understand. So much that doesn't align with the "shoulds" that many would likely, easily, tell me. In some ways it is no different than much of my life has been. But one difference that I will note is that I am feeling a bit more at peace with it all, and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

If I was how I used to be, I would most assuredly be going out of my mind right about now. I would be totally and completely miserable and suffering, wondering one of the most useless questions ever, "Why?" I would be tormented by my inability to express myself in a way that others would understand me, if I even tried to express myself at all.

There are still hiccups. There are still issues. But I just keep going the best I can. Apparently that is what being strong is. At least that is what I have been told. I have never really felt strong. There are times I wish I felt I could just give up and give in. I have come really close a few times, only to bounce back. I guess I really feel like I need to, and want to, be here on some level. At the same time, I cannot imagine what it would be like to solely do what others said and wanted for me.

I guess it is in some ways the stubbornness I have that others don't always seem to appreciate. Once I make up my mind, it is really hard to have me see anything else. I have gone through so much to get there, there is little chance anyone could say or do anything that would have me see things any other way.

Part of it I think is my gut. But in the process of processing my gut, other things come into play, and it gets filtered through the filters of logic. I know when my choices defy logic, but I still do them.

In the past it would be extraordinarily uncomfortable to still do what I wanted to do, especially if it ran counter of what others thought. Now there are more times than not I really just don't care. I wish I could say it was a universally held truth for me now, but it's not. On occasion, I still find myself concerned by where others go in relation to me. It is one reason I so didn't want to be open in the first place.

I can understand why people don't want to be open, either. There are times it really sucks to have to stand up to the thoughts and beliefs and shoulds of another. There are times it almost would seem easier to give in. Almost. There are times giving in is painful. There are times conflict is inevitable.

In some ways, I wish I was the only one who knew what was going on with me at the moment. In other ways, I am grateful for the opportunity to potentially impact another by the sharing of my experience. The two obviously cannot co-exist.

It's just like so much of life. So often there are things that come from those things that we really would rather not have. But that thing can be so incredible, if we can wade through the muck to get there. To get some of the most treasured things in life, we have to be willing to accept the presence of pain and anguish and disappointment and other equally loverly adjectives.

Provided I get to the other side of this, and get to stay on this side of life, I will have quite the story to tell. I really hope that I get to give it the kind of ending *I* want. But, unfortunately, I don't get to write the final draft. Perhaps it is fortunate, though, in that there will be things scripted in that I could never have imagined. The first part of this story already has a number of those types of unanticipated edits.

Thanks, as always, for spending your time with me - even if "just" in spirit.

Have a good night.

No comments:

Post a Comment