That is how I wanted to start this blog post. I had a lot of time to think about it as I was driving home tonight.
I was going to say, "Arghhh" and then say that I felt better.
I thought it would be clever. But now that the Arghhh has passed, it doesn't feel as right because it isn't really accurate.
Today has been a very long day. It started way too early given that I barely slept last night, and when I did manage sleep, did not sleep well.
I had a doctor's appointment. It is one I had not been in a hurry to have, and the weather was kind enough to help me push it off.
I didn't get the kind of news I wanted to hear. It wasn't terrible. But it was definitely in the wrong neighborhood. But, even considering that, I was mostly calm when speaking with them about things. I am not sure what is going to happen. I may have to find another doctor/oncologist to deal with, and I am not sure how that is going to go. I also am contemplating IV Vitamin C, however if it is not covered by insurance, I will definitely need help to make it happen - or it just won't.
There were built-in stresses to the day that I thought I was handling. After my appointment, I met someone really sweet. We talked for a while, and he told me that he felt like I would be OK. I love when people tell me that, and hope that they are in some way tuned into something greater, and it comes from a place of knowing that transcends what is known. If that was the case, or not, I don't know. But I was appreciative of the supportive message and the idea that I could be around for a while.
My doctor ran late and was delayed. There is a chance that person and I wouldn't have had the opportunity we had to meet had things worked out any other way.
After everything, I headed to my car. The battery had died yesterday, and it was on a charger for at least 18 hours when I left this morning. Well. When I got to my car, the battery was dead. No lights. Nothing. I found out things about my car tonight that I didn't know, and never really had a need to know until I needed it, and had no clue how to do what I needed to do.
I was parked in a parking garage, and it was late and no one was really around, except for a woman. There is often no one there but me that time of night, but she was, and she was willing to give me a jump. It was awesome. It was awesome until I couldn't get to the battery. The battery is in the trunk, and with the battery dead, I couldn't seem to get the trunk open.
I even tried to figure it out by having to climb in over my front seats, as I had no way to open the back door, either. As I think about it in the calmness of now, I think there is a way, but in the anxiety of the moment, I couldn't really think straight. Plus it was kind of dark. I really should keep a flashlight in my car. It turns out I had one in my bag, but I didn't realize it until I was home and digging in my purse for something else.
In the process of climbing, I managed to break a cup holder. Oddly, I was annoyed, but not really upset. That might have been one of the most striking parts of the night. Many times in the past I would have really been angry at myself for doing that, but other than the annoyance, I was kind of OK about it.
Since I couldn't seem to figure things out with the woman there, she gave up, and had to leave. She didn't really know how to do the jump, any way. I think I could have figured it out, but it turns out it might have been just as well.
After she left, I was in a panic, and on the phone with my friend. My phone battery was at 18% and I was trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do. I don't have AAA at the moment, and I knew that I had car keys at home that might open the trunk. Little did I ever stop to think that I might want to be sure I had a key that manually opened the trunk. The one I carry with me wasn't it.
I even tried looking at the car's manual. That was of no freaking help. The car that I have often loved and have been grateful for, and that took me cross country twice was now on my sh*t list. Everything seemed kaput. I was already concerned I might need a new battery. I didn't need this.
How the heck did it happen? But I didn't care at the moment. I cared more about trying to figure out how the heck I wasn't going to get stranded an hour away from home with an electronic dead weight. I think I have roadside assistance through my insurance, but wasn't sure how to find the info, and what if my battery died on my phone? (Of course, once I came home my friend said something about my insurance card. On it it said, "for roadside assistance..." Of course.)
I went to the first floor of the garage. At that point, my feet were really hurting. I was wearing some cute, and what should have been comfortable, shoes that were anything but. As soon as I got to the elevator, I asked one guy if he could help. His wife was already upset with him about not being home, and plus there was some other issue. So no.
Then I saw someone else who was trying to figure out how to pay for parking. I told him what he could do, and asked if he was willing to help. He said he would, so I went back up to my car that I had left unlocked given that I had to get back into it.
OH. I forgot to mention that after the woman left I finally figured out how to get the trunk open. I had always seen this thing on the trunk, but never knew how it worked. I was in the trunk, claustrophobic, hoping that no one would come as I was in there, and trying to figure out the secret method, mostly in the dark - although I did at some point attempt to use my phone light to help guide me while I was freaking out talking to my friend on the phone. At some point I pulled on it, and the trunk was unlocked. Woo hoo.
But then what? Which is why I headed downstairs.
When I returned another guy was near his car which was near mine. I told him that someone said he was coming to help, but would he be willing to wait a few minutes and help if the other guy for some reason did not show up? He told me he had no jumper cables and that he had no idea how to access his battery. He opened his hood and showed me how the engine was in a big box. You couldn't see any of it.
It was a $60,000 car he tells me. And it is top of the line, and it goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds. Impressive. But not helpful. I can't say much, and he tells me he needs to leave.
Shortly after the guy who said he would help showed up. He told me that he has worked on cars. He knows exactly what to do. At first I try to start my car, and it just ain't happening. It's clicking and the alarm is going off, and a whole bunch of stuff, but what I really need - for the engine to start.
Because he knows what he's doing, he fiddles with the connections, and eventually, finally, the car starts. What a freaking relief. At least me and my car are going to make it home tonight.
I am really grateful, and I pull out my Cedonaah postcard and information and offer him something of my work. I also find out his name is Michael. I had recently heard that when we meet with someone named Michael, it is like we are meeting with Archangel Michael who is, among other things, a protector. I feel like I have in some ways be visited by the most perfect angel. I even ask him if he believes in Angels, and tell him what I had heard.
I don't know if I will hear from him again, but as it turns out we probably don't live too far from one another. I am incredibly grateful that he took the time to help. After the day I had had, what I was dealing with was the last thing I needed.
So then I make my way out of the garage, and start to drive home. I should be home within the hour. But I somehow miss a turn off. Unfortunately I don't know the roads, so I depend on the GPS, and the GPS kept wanting me to take a toll road. I wound up listening to it more than once and it wound up taking me in very big circles more than once. I somehow knew better, but I thought that if I went the way it suggested, maybe I would find a new way home, but all it was doing was trying to steer me to the toll road.
That is, until I stopped listening, and went back to what I thought I knew, and the GPS caught on.
I wound up driving an extra half hour at least. I guess the car battery really wanted to be charged. At least that is what I told myself as I eventually found my way.
Late at night on unfamiliar roads is no time to get lost. I knew I would get home sooner or later, but it sure seemed like it was going to be later. I started to think about what I would say about this day/night/adventure. I knew I would have to write about it. I would have to get it out of my system. There were so many pieces and parts that somehow seemed significant, even if I wasn't certain of what their significance was just yet.
One of the things I came away from it is my inability to function beyond the basic and quasi-predictable. I tell people often that I am not handling things as well as they might think. Tonight I realized that I may not even be handling them as well as *I* think.
Now that it is over, it doesn't seem as bad as it was at the time. But in the midst of it, it really sucked, and I wasn't really thinking. I was panicking. Thank goodness for my good friend who was even going to come and help, and was already on the way when I told him that I got my car started. I even came home to some groceries for me that he had bought while out, unsolicited by me. He really is such a sweetheart. I really appreciate so much of who he is to me.
Had I gone to my appointment when I initially should have, I think odds are good none of this would have happened. Is it good that it did? Is it good that I now likely need to deal with my car battery? Is it possible that it is under warranty? I need to find out. It is something I am not looking forward to dealing with. Too many papers in too many places. But I have to at least try, and that is in the midst of trying to deal with other things at the same time.
At some point tonight I just wanted to run away and escape. I was totally overwhelmed. I had the feeling of wanting to cry, but at the time it was more of a whisper than anything else. I am not sure why it didn't happen. There are times I really wonder if I am just too numb to deal with things. Maybe it will come out at some other point in relation to some other thing.
Maybe what happened tonight was my way of coping with the day's medical news. Maybe I wasn't handling things as well as I thought. I really am surprised at times about how I seem to function around what is happening. Handling it well and handling with a sense of numbness or denial might look similar. I really think, though, that I am handing it well. I just keep hoping I am not going to be unpleasantly surprised one day to find that it wasn't nearly as well as I had thought, just as I find myself devastated.
As I say that I really don't think that will happen. I really feel like my feet are firmly planted in my reality, except for when I find myself totally overwhelmed by what is happening, and at that point I don't even know where I am.
I have really appreciated the fact that I have come to be able to roll with things much more easily than I used to, but in times like this, it isn't like that at all. I think it depends on what else I am dealing with, and how the pieces relate to one another. I think it is much easier to roll with something, if the whole dang hill isn't coming with it.
And with that, I think I am going to call it quits. I just looked at the clock. Dang. It is almost 1:30. Good thing is I think I may just be tired enough to sleep tonight when my head hits the pillow. At least I certainly hope so.
Good night/day, depending on where in the world you might be. I am outta here.