Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Only One

Feeling antsy, angry, anxious and frustrated. I feel like I want to scream. I feel like I want to pull my hair out. I feel all kinds of things that really suck to feel. I would probably have little patience for anything right now. And yet there is a string of somethings that I need to deal with.

I have been up late almost every night for at least a couple of weeks now (after 4 am this morning). I was looking at what a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) looks like and a Living Will. I have been doing energy work, and forgiveness work. I have been looking at so many different things. Am I overwhelmed? Am I angry that I "have" to do these things? Am I frustrated that if something was to happen to me all of my life's work might go bye-bye because it won't be accessible or meaningful to another? Is the work I am doing stirring up the pot of emotions? Is the undercurrent of my financial mess getting to me? Is the fact that I don't feel like I am getting anywhere fast getting to me? Is it the fact that I don't know exactly where to get to? Or the fact that I question even making plans at this point?

I am such a freaking mixed bag. On one hand I feel like I will be fine, but on the other I wonder if I will be around to see and experience things. This second piece applies to all of us really, as no one knows exactly when their time will come. I don't think it is in any worse than it might have been. If anything I suspect that is part of my "hurry up and let's go somewhere" feeling.

So many things seem to call and pull me. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about any of them. If I could, I would just get back on the road. I would just go. But I can't. A part of me feels trapped. I just got up and went previously, why not this time?

This time feels different. I feel the desire, but not the urgency. But there is another difference, too. How can I ask for help - again? I am really up against this issue. It is in my heart to want to make a difference in this world. I felt very much like a conduit for some really great things on the road. I imagine there are many who don't see those things, but rather, see me. And if they just see me, then it is a whole different ballgame than if they can see me as the conduit I see myself as.

There are times I am so sure that "this" isn't just about me. I hate to think that because I cannot somehow relate that in a way that people can hear it, that the types of things that I am working on will never become what they are meant to become. I think I must in some part be fighting feeling like a failure. And as I say that, my eyes sting with tears. I must have hit upon something.

There is so much inside of me that seeks to live and be spoken. I know I am not the only one. There is so much inside of me that is terrified. I know I am not the only one. There is so much inside of me that wants to be heard. I know I am not the only one. But there are times as I deal with my life that I feel like - I am the only one.

My stomach is tied up in knots.

Q. How does anyone plan to die while they continue to live?
A. With great difficulty.

But this is not really about dying. At least I don't think it is. I think it is really more about how does one truly, fully live in the face of all things that would have us in some way die before we are dead.

I really need to find a release for this stuff I am feeling, and I think I have begun by writing this. In some ways I do feel a bit better. I even just yawned. I think there is a part of me that would have no objection to going back to bed.

Times like this it is just so hard to function.

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