It is Christmas Eve. Soon to be Christmas Day.
I am home alone. Kinda. I am with my friend's cat that likes no one but my friend. So, for her, we are reluctant company. I barely know she is here, she has been hanging out in my friend's room most of the day.
I had considered going to a Christmas Eve church service, but decided to watch a number of Christmas themed movies instead.
So many thoughts are running through my head. An aunt of mine that died two years ago in March has been on my mind almost incessantly. This was her holiday. Christmas didn't end for her sometimes until Easter. Her Christmas tree was still up when she passed away.
I am wondering if all of these thoughts are her way of saying, "hi." I am wondering if it is her I am missing, or if I am missing the Christmas of my childhood. So many things are going through my head.
I am thinking about so much of my family. I am thinking of one in particular who is particularly aware energy-wise who told me at some point that they could "feel" me, and asked me to tone it down. It was a while ago that that happened, and at the time I said I would be more aware. However it just occurred to me tonight that part of that involves energy I would rather not use. It also means toning down the feelings and emotions attached to the memories, and I have decided that I am not going to do it any more. I'd like to say I am sorry, but the fact is...I am not. I have loved and cared about that person, and we used to be close. And I miss that relationship. And those feelings come from a place of love, and I am just not going to monitor myself any more.
I am thinking about how last Christmas came and went and my phone didn't ring even once with a holiday wish. I could have picked up the phone myself, I realize. It was interesting on a few levels. So many times over the years it seems it falls on me, the single person, with no kids, to do the reaching out. Any time I questioned it, it was implicit from another's conversation that I just never understood what it meant to have kids. It was implicit that *I* had to be the one to make the effort.
Last Christmas I wondered if it could be my last. I wondered if that occurred as a possibility to those who didn't reach out. I was sure it must have. I later found out that someone didn't reach out thinking that somehow, given what I was going through, I would not want a Christmas call/greeting.
I guess with things like this, sometimes there is no clear "win." The person actually thought they were doing a good thing.
It is odd how a lot of my life is passing through my mind tonight. I do not know what to make of a lot of it, and the occasional emotional torrent that occurs. I am not thinking this will be my last Christmas this year. Not sure what the difference is. Would be kind of ironic if that is what it turned out to be. But I think I would prefer to keep the irony at bay.
The other day I felt like I would know if my "end time" was coming. And it doesn't feel like it is. At the same time, I struggle to make sense of the life that is in front of me. I struggle to find the way to live in the midst of something that is known to kill. I struggle to live in a world that makes less and less sense to me. I overhear conversations between people that in the grander context of life mean nothing, and yet those discussing whatever it is think it is really pertinent and important.
Dealing with cancer gave me a pretty big wake up call. It is hard to talk about "nothing" these days. It is hard to go on with the business of life as "Business As Usual." I have often been on a different track than others, but now it feels like it more than ever. There is so much about my life that people can't relate to, and I find it harder to relate to the things that used to be my every day life.
There is an urgency and significance to life that is very present for me. While others plan for the future, I find myself pretty rooted in the present. Every time someone talks about months, or a year from now, I get a slight twinge. I have to hope that is fear. It isn't exactly welcome, but better that than something more significant in terms of a timer going off.
It is not easy to live a life in the present in a world in which so many live in the moment, planning a future. There are some who have said they want to do something with me, or in relation to me, and that was months ago. Some have even noted how much time elapsed since our last communications. Good thing, I guess, that things did work out when they did. But, to be honest, there are times I want to scream at people. I want to ask them if they realize what is going on here. I want to ask them if they realize what they are saying. I want to ask them if they realize what my potential prospects are.
Do I want to be thinking this way? Do I want to be thinking about my demise and death? No. However, I think given the circumstances, it is probably fairly likely to be something that is difficult to put aside in totality. I am not sure if it would even be a good idea to put it aside, as it keeps me on my toes.
But when I say things like that, I almost wonder if there is a part of me that wants cancer to be present. I find myself at odds with it, as there are things that come from its presence in my life. I try to be as aware as I can be of those contrary things. I, after all, don't want it to kill me. I would much rather get stuff, and move on, and away from it.
Sharing things like this feels incredibly intimate. It also feels like it is something that could potentially be misunderstood. I already had a person react to something I said in a way I did not anticipate. I was just being honest, though. In my humanity, I found myself at seeming odds with what could be a really good thing.
There are days and times I just want to scream. There are times the contradictions are agony. There are times I don't understand things, but have to keep going. There are times I feel lost, and on the verge of giving up.
There are times I really am not sure why I am here at this point. I have found myself wondering what there is to live for. What do I want to do? What is my reason and purpose for being here? Some would think that is part of the reason any of us are here. Am I done? Have I accomplished all that there is to accomplish?
I don't think so. But I just don't know what direction to go, or where I am headed. I don't want to just live to pay the bills and go to doctors. That is no freaking life. I think there is so much more I could do, and I get glimpses of that every time I connect with someone and talk about life and cancer and the things that truly matter.
I just wish I had more of those times.
Just looked at the time. It's Christmas in my part of the world now. Merry Christmas to anyone who celebrates the day. I hope it is all that you want it to be.
I won't be doing much during the day tomorrow. I will likely sleep late, as often is the case. After that, who knows?
There is such a quiet and peace that I feel this time of year. I have heard that people that are empathic have that kind of experience, so it might be something that you can relate to. I like this quiet; it is unlike other quiets. The holiday may have become ridiculously commercial, but I think when it comes down to the actual day there is something pretty special that happens.
Lots of Love to you.
Good night, and Happy Holiday.