My mind seems to often be trying to figure things out. I am questioning everything. There are so many ideas and beliefs that, while seeming helpful at a glance, or first listen, seem like they could be contradictory. There are just so many ideas that people have about what is "right" or "best" or what is, on the other hand, what is so terrible.
I decided to sit down to write today. Sometimes I like to see what thoughts come out. I do not know what I think of some of the things. Am I writing what I want to hear, or am I writing that somehow resonates with something I know on some deep, inner level? More importantly, are these somethings RIGHT? My very existence in this lifetime in this body may depend on being right. At least that is what my mind believes.
After all, there comes a time that the body we are renting ceases to be. Sooner or later that seeming end arrives. There are many times that we believe that exit to be premature when a lifespan could theoretically be several decades.
Nothing like the issues of life and death to make one wax philosophical. From someone who isn't in a place like where I stand, there can be things said that sound "good," but make only a temporary imprint. There is nothing like being in a situation to create a real groove of a relationship and potential understanding with something seemingly abstract.
What if death "just" means we got what we came for, and it is time to move on?
When I talk like this, I wonder if there are people who are going to think I am going to die. As so many have told me, and like I have told so many that didn't beat me to it first, we are all going to die at some point. I don't know how anyone could know when death will show up with any certainty. There have been some who have made appointments with it, only to find themselves still among the living.
I wonder if there is a better word than "death" to use. The problem with the word, I think, isn't the word, but what it represents. For that reason, anything that would be used as a substitute would probably "suffer" the same fate.
There is such a range of beliefs. Do we go on? Did we come from somewhere else? Is there a "heaven" and a "hell" that isn't life itself? If you talk to someone who has been indoctrinated within a certain religion, you will get very definite answers to these questions, based on the beliefs within that system. If you speak with a a scientist, you may get very different answers because what they believe is based in a different system and structure.
For me the question becomes, Who is RIGHT? Of course, human beings defend what they believe, and give support as to why it is right. The "right" comes from the structure in which their beliefs live. We all have a structure in which our beliefs and more live, and it is our body.
Some will say that it is our mind's beliefs that live out through our body. Which might be another way of saying that the mind and body are one, and that the mind's beliefs become the beliefs of the body.
I have started to talk to someone who has a certain way of looking at things, and I am struggling with how she looks at things. I can't say something if there is a part of me that it doesn't resonate with. Well. I could. There was a time in my life I did, and to be fair, there were times it did seem to help. Somehow, though this feels different. Some of it feels like I would say, "The sun is purple." I "know" that I don't believe the sun is purple, so how can I say that it is with any conviction?
Some would say (and likely will say if I die dealing with cancer) that I sabotaged myself by not allowing myself to view things differently. They would shake their heads and mournfully regret that I could not/would not see things as they knew I should.
One of the things that gets me is that I do not believe there has ever been an absolute approach to something that works. If there was something so absolute and so perfect, there would be no issues n the world, would there? Of course, there would be those who would say there is some set way of doing things, some particular mathematical equation, to get there, and that those who didn't get there just never added things up the "right" way.
That just doesn't feel right to me. The thing is, short of just embracing where I am at the moment, I am not sure what does. If there is a God, is He standing above watching us have life experiences? Is He really standing there hoping that we pick the "right" ones? And which version of God do we work with? Different versions of Him seem to present different ideas of what would be the best way to be, and experiences and beliefs to have.
It is not my intention to stir up a a religious conversation, or even debate, by saying these things. I am not looking to be swayed or convinced of anything. At this point I don't even know if that would be possible. I am just wanting to share the types of things that are going through my mind.
I may never know if where I stood was "right." I can hope that when my time comes to leave this place and life that I will find out. I know some believe that it just all ends. Well. If it does, then it does, but I will have left a life at least knowing that I lived a life to the best of my ability, especially in the last several years of it. I will know that I spoke my mind, and lived from my heart.
To me, there has been no greater gift than to be able to do that, without an iota of regret.
For the record, I really don't want to go anywhere just yet. Being here at times is reallllly hard, though. How do I live in a world in which I never really fit, but now don't even care to try? Trying before only had me lose - and give up - pieces of myself in the process. Not fitting can be extraordinarily difficult. I have to admit there have been times I wonder if it could be time to go.
I don't think so, though. And the biggest argument for that is the fact that I am still kicking.
This is not exactly what I intended to write about as I sat down today. I was going to share something that came from my writing earlier. It is something that I will definitely be pondering as I go forward. Maybe it is something you will find of interest or in some way helpful to your journey.
You only have this moment. And this moment is the most powerful tool you have. Within the moment is life. There is no life any other time than in this moment. There is no love, except within this moment. No compassion. No empathy...There is nothing that is not within this moment. You must be present in the moment, not living for the future, not dying from the past, but fully present in the moment...How often do you seek refuge in a future, or wish for a past?
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