Well...

I had a Pity Party last night. Woe is me. Pretty much the same thing happened this year, as last year. I found myself wondering if you are sobbing out loud, and no one hears you, or even knows, have you sobbed at all?

I was in a miserable mood last night. I did not feel good, and I was definitely feeling sorry for myself. I know people care about me, but there are times of silence that I can't help but go to a place of thinking that it really wouldn't matter if I was present in the world, or not.

I know it's not "realistic" or "healthy" or any number of things that people think I should be, but the fact is it was very realistic for me in that moment, and I wasn't feeling so very merry.

I was going to go online and offer a Christmas image, and try to stir up some kind of Christmas-y message that sounded good, but I just couldn't do it. The "fact" that so many were enjoying their holiday, and were with their family and getting and giving presents was just not putting me in a Happy Place.

Life is nothing like it used to be. And that is both good and not so good.

I had to go for Vitamin C today, and that is becoming more of an adventure. I am not sure what to make of all of the things that are being said and suggested. I don't really want to go into it, but I can't but help wonder if too much is being made out of some things.

I really was in a sucky mood this morning, but the day got better as it went, except for the mess that I just referred to. But that feels more like a hiccup than a big deal. At least I hope that is what it is.

I am feeling better tonight. I guess I needed my Pity Party. I recognized that that was exactly what was going on last night. I also recognized that I could have handled the day differently, and perhaps had a different outcome. But it might just be that it was exactly what I needed the day to be. For whatever reason, I have shifted back into myself now, and it feels pretty good.

I never understand how these things happen. When I am on the "other side" of the stuff I don't know why where I was felt as dramatic and emotional and painful as it did. It makes no sense.

Today someone was telling me about how his father died when he was a toddler. He committed suicide. He, understandably, couldn't understand how someone could do that, especially after he had his own child. I was listening so intently that I never said to him something that occurred to me about what might have "allowed" for that.

Perhaps it would not have been appropriate, or welcome. I, after all, do not know all the bits and pieces of his emotions and story and where he has been in relation to it all. But what I do know is how dark and deep depression can be. I know how encompassing it can be. I know how it can make nothing matter, and how little one can care about anything.

I visit that place more than I would like to. Yesterday I wasn't quite there, but it was close. I was finding myself not really wanting to care - about anything.

I am really overwhelmed and frustrated by so much that is happening, and by how much help I need still. I have had negative reactions to the Blog Contest and, sadly, I am not making much progress. It would take a miracle to win at this point, along with some serious energy that I do not know that I have. As I discussed before, I am also finding myself wondering if I could be pulling on people's energy and reserves for a potential "lost cause." Might there be a better way to harness whatever help people are willing to offer?

If you are still willing to vote, please do, as the exposure is a good thing, even if I do not win. My blog has had almost 55,555 views. It is probably a few hundred off, but I love the sound of that number :). There have been a few people newly introduced to it, that seem to think there is value in it, and they join the group of some who have already told me that they appreciate what it offers.

It would be really great if there could be some money involved in all of that appreciation, but that is the more practical part of me talking. The part of me that feels driven to speak up and try to make a difference feels good about any positive impact I may have, period.

I am exhausted, even though I have slept a lot in the last day. I think I am going to see if I can go to sleep, and see what happens tomorrow. At the very least, I am having dinner with some friends. My stomach isn't so happy, but hopefully by then it will be feeling better.

I am such a mixture of things right now. It is almost like the feelings I have jockey for position. It is like a horse race that never really ends. "Joy is moving up on the outside. Fear is still in the lead, but only by a nose; peace is also moving up. Love is in the pack, but lost within it..."