Sunday, December 21, 2014

It Sounds Like a Joke...

I am really emotional right now.

My car battery died.

It sounds like a joke, doesn't it? But it's not. I need not only a new battery, but I still need work done on my car. I have been told if you don't drive a car much, it deteriorates, and I haven't driven it much, in part, because of the work it needs done on it.

I want to cry. I feel like I want to, and I feel like I might be holding back. What am I supposed to do? It is the same refrain I have had over and over and over and over and...

I have tried everything I can think of to help myself, including asking for help that I didn't want to ask for. I have asked for support for a blog contest to win $1000. Do you know how much time and energy I have put into it? I wish it was at least another "0."

People don't like hearing about my situation. They don't like hearing that I need help. I find myself wondering if I am using a resource well. Should I be asking for some other support for people to spend their energy on?

But the blog contest doesn't "cost" much. A few seconds of someone's time. But even still...I have only been averaging 25 votes a day. Not nearly enough to win, at this rate.

It is like gambling. I could give it everything I got, and wind up with nothing.

I keep hearing people say, "don't give up hope," "keep fighting." But very few of those people are actually anywhere near where I am having to do my surviving/fighting. The "cheerleading" isn't very helpful when what I really need is PRACTICAL, TANGIBLE HELP.

Sadly, it looks like chemo is around the bend, and I have issues that I need to deal with in relation to that.

I just don't know how I am going to make it. Times like this I really wonder if I should just give up. I know it's no reason to, but it is just so damn hard to keep going like this.

I just don't know what to do any more. This barely surviving doesn't work when your head is barely over the water line and a big wave hits, followed by another and another...

What do you do when you are screaming for help, and you can't get it? If you scream for help, and no one stops to help you (the way you need help), is it like you screamed at all?

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