I am wondering if this might be one of the hardest blog posts I have ever written. As I write that, I don't think it will be. But I wanted to say it, and get it out there, as I am present to the fact that I am feeling like it might be difficult to accurately discuss what I am about to. It definitely feels like a touchy subject.
The "funny" thing is I am wondering if I have written about it before. There are so many times, especially in the last couple of years, that I have seen something and forgot that I wrote it. But it is something very present for me lately, plus I know not everyone reads every blog post, so what the heck?
It is about this blog. By extension, it is also about any time I might show up as online.
Back in 2012, I knew I had to begin this blog. It felt really important. If you go back to the beginning, you will see I didn't write too much, or too regularly, at first. I really had no idea what I was going to have to say. Now over 1,000 blog entries later, I have had a lot to say. Apparently the level of importance I felt was telling me something, and I am glad I heeded that voice.
This blog is an important outlet to me. It is the place I go and can share about things openly and honestly. The blog doesn't judge me. It is a good, listening friend. I can talk "to" it any time of day or night, and I can be almost anywhere and bend its ear. It doesn't try to convince me of anything, and never tells me how I can better do something. It gives me a forum to try to figure things out. It listens, even when I am not so sure I am making any sense. It allows me my anger and my tears and it never turns away from me, or takes anything personally.
This blog is an important vehicle - not only for me. While many seem to have come here (stats now say over 54K views!) and say nothing, there have been those who have expressed gratitude for my attitude, and how I approach things. They are grateful for my openness and frankness, and some even relate to some of the things I have said - some of which have issues other than cancer that they are dealing with.
I have often said I write for myself, first and foremost, but I am appreciative of the fact that what I say seems to matter and impact others in the way that I have been told that it has.
Writing, as you might imagine (or not?), takes all kinds of energy. Energy is a precious commodity for me these days, and I have to choose how I spend it. If I choose to speak to someone instead of blog, I might get out what I want to get out, but it may never make it here. And it often feels important that things wind up here with a greater chance for more eyes and ears than it just be an exercise in me purging something to one set of eyes and ears.
As a result, there are things that aren't immediately attended to. Emails aren't responded to. Posts are missed. Things just don't get done. The place I am even writing at the moment is a HUGE mess. But the writing feels so important that I do it.
You may look online, and see me writing here, and posting what I have written, but I haven't still gotten back to you. Does it mean anything? It might mean I might not have seen it. It might mean I might have forgotten about it. It might mean I may have used up the energy I had. It might mean I am tired. It might mean I am feeling overwhelmed. It might mean I feel incapable with dealing with yet another thing. It might mean a combination of things. But it doesn't mean I don't think whatever it is that you said, did or wanted is not important, or appreciated, by me.
I cannot function the way people expect someone would. I wish I could. I just can't. You may think I am sitting over here not doing much of anything because of what I am dealing with - like an extended vacation. But that is the farthest thing from any possible truth. Even when I am not doing anything exactly, I am doing something to try to take care of myself.
Part of that taking care of myself is things like this blog. I realize that some may get jealous of her. She has access to me in ways that you may not. But I have to hope you understand that while I value you and our interactions, this blog is an important piece of my survival, and it is incredibly important to me. If you have love in your heart for me and/or want to support me, I hope you will understand and still love and support me. I also appreciate your patience and willingness to follow up with me, if there seems to be a need.