Saturday, December 20, 2014

What could I possibly have to worry about?

In the last couple of days, I have had a couple of people tell me what I am saying. The fact is that I am SAYING one thing, but they're adding on all kinds of stuff that doesn't come along with what I am saying.

When I tried to get to the bottom of it in one case, I only pissed off - or frustrated - the person more, because my insistence on getting to a bottom of it that the person didn't see/understand, just meant that I was not "getting it."

In the other case it wasn't as much of a deal, but it was still a part of the conversation. In the second case, it was probably more in fun, ultimately, but it was still an unnecessary place to go.

I think I am overly sensitive right now. I don't feel good. My body is also talking to me in ways I don't especially appreciate. Is it the cancer speaking, or something else? I am scheduled for a scan next month, and likely will need to start chemo, if how I am feeling is any indication.

I am tired. Part of it might be because my body is dealing with cancer. Before diagnosis I was very tired, too. It doesn't help that I have been going to get a treatment of Vit C twice a week, and it takes so much out of me the day after I can barely do anything.

It also doesn't help that I have gotten grief over the damn blog contest. I had questions about doing it. I know it is a less than ideal situation, a popularity contest, and that I started with a fairly good deficit. I know all these things. But, as per usual, people have been feeling a need to tell me how it isn't ideal, and more.

Yesterday I even posted the following on Facebook:

If you don't want to do the blog contest voting, don't. I won't be offended. I do not need an explanation. I do not need to hear what you think of it. Do you think I really WANTED to do it? Do you really think it matters to me to win the contest for the sake of winning it? Do you really think I want to waste anyone's time, or torture you by posting about it?

I am ONLY doing what I am doing to make it worth the time and effort of those who have made an effort at this point - in addition to the original reason of much needed $1000.

Did I/do I have reservations and concerns? Ab-so-freakin-lu-tootly.

For over two years I have asked and begged for help. Not on my top list of things to do, either. by the way. I have been barely scraping by. I am on the financial edge more so this month than any previous. I keep managing to survive...but I also have to keep asking. And the reserve pot is gone. I run the risk of running out of money, and THEN what am I going to do?

This contest came along, and it was a possible way for me to have "help" in the form of someone else's money. People could help me by merely taking a few seconds to vote. All they'd have to give me is their time and a relatively small amount of effort.

I understand there are all kinds of concerns and issues around something like this. I also understand that I am in desperate need of help, and am at a freaking loss as to what else to do. I keep trying things, and they don't go anywhere, and I am very likely going to have to begin chemo again within the next month.

It would be really nice if people would stop expecting ME to understand why there are those who aren't able/willing to help, and instead understand why in the world I would say and do the things I do as much as I do. It would be quite a different perspective - f you think about it.

Would you try to explain to a drowning person why there are those who can't help, and expect them to understand? Would you sit back and judge their efforts as they do everything they can to survive? Or the efforts of others? I kinda doubt it.

Well. Please don''t do it to me - and especially not to anyone you want to help or care about. As you might imagine, it is no freaking help at all. It may make you feel better; it may alleviate some guilt, but it s no freaking help at all to the person who is drowning a/k/a "in need."

It was followed later by:

There are times I am barely holding things together. And there are times I become aware that I am in those times, and when that happens, any semblance of Ok disappears along with the "smoke" of denial(?) exposing the rawness and extreme uncertainty of just about everything in my life. And I see that I wasn't really holding anything together, it was just a calculated illusion so good I really thought on some level I was Ok...as the illusion crumbles, I do, too, right along with it.

This is one of those times. I am a mess.

I can only hold it together so long. What I am feeling has to come out. I can't walk around smiling and acting like everything is OK - especially when it's not. It takes a lot more energy to do that than to be real in the moment. I could be more careful how I say things, but there are times I just do not have the energy to make the effort to tip-toe around something.

The other day I posted a picture of me, showing myself hooked up through my port and said it was for the skeptics. Someone told me I should have to feel obligated to satisfy them. Well. The damn skeptics piss me off. Many of them could probably help me in some way, but choose to hide behind the curtain a belief called "scam."

My response to that person who made the obligated comment was, "I just sometimes get annoyed by the perception of those who judge what they think they know. I don't feel obligated to show them anything - except, perhaps, their own ignorance. I could say it kinder than that, and with more compassion and empathy, but I am in no mood. On top of which, there was a time I was getting chemo without a port. Wouldn't necessarily want people to think someone without one wasn't legit. Ironically, I realize the skeptics will likely never look far enough to see things like this any way. But at least it is in "the record" if anyone does care to see what is really going on."

When we all have just so much energy to give life and the things that happen to us, something has to give sooner or later. For months I have been doing as much as I can, hoping, praying to find something that works. Hoping, praying for a health miracle. Hoping, praying that I get money from somewhere so I can breathe just a little bit easier, so I can focus on me and getting better instead of taking all of my energy and focusing it on survival. 

It takes a lot to have to manage everything I am managing. It is made even worse having to interact with people's suggestions, and having to manage making sure I thank people for what they do. I want to let them know I am grateful, but even worse, there is pressure because all too many times I have been called ungrateful for either forgetting to respond, or not responding fast enough.

There are so many things that are a part of this "package" of cancer that are so hard to manage. Everything in my life is a mess. I live with a friend who is being kind to let me live with him, but there is a "cost" in that I need to worry about how he is affected by me. I can't do everything the way I want to, or need to, but when he needs me to be concerned about something, it doesn't matter how I feel, or how much energy I have, I need to be concerned about it.

It is not that he is putting pressure on me, well not exactly. But the things that are important to him are important to me, and he helps me so much by the fact that I live here, I feel like it is really important to act on it. The problem is that it adds to my stress level when it gets to the point that something HAS to be taken care of. 

Much of my life is like that these days. Many things are not handled until they HAVE to be.  There is an inherent level of stress in that type of thing, too, because then if I don't do it, or don't do it right, there is no give, and I could miss out, or bigger problems can ensue.

It doesn't matter how many times, or how many ways I try to express what I am dealing with, I think it just amounts to words and noise to most people. I really don't think most get what I am dealing with, and how difficult it really is. 

After all, what could I possibly have to worry about, right?

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