In no particular order...
The list goes on and on and on.
It is no wonder we have a steady diet of nonsensical things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of things. We are not allowed to talk about many of the things that actually do matter.
Even IF we have "permission" to talk about certain things, it is within limited confines. If we do it out of the socially acceptable, approved context, it creates all kinds of issues. In some cases, if we do it all, it is a problem in and of itself.
It drives me nuts feeling muffled. If you know me at all these last few years, you know there isn't much I won't talk about, or say. It has been incredibly freeing to speak up, and speak out, even if I need to distort things a bit because of who is involved. It is very difficult to talk about things that affect me when other people are involved. After all, what they are doing or saying or not doing or not saying is what I would feel a need to discuss.
I once saw a cartoon I think I referenced before. An author is signing books, and her parents say something to the effect that if they knew she was going to be a writer, they would have been nicer to her. As I writer, I have often felt the need to express myself. The need has gotten significantly more urgent these last couple of years. I am not sure why, or who the words are really for, but I do know it seems to really help others, and the release definitely helps me.
I have touched upon, and even immersed myself in, many of the taboos. There are some I have barely touched, and the things I haven't discussed bother me. I feel like I should talk about many of the things that affect me, and if I could do it without causing issues, I would. But I can't. So I don't.
I think the fact that I rarely hold back any more makes holding back at all extraordinarily difficult.
Some people think I shouldn't care what others think. It is easy for them to say. I am in the midst of an often desperate situation; I have to care on some level if what other people think and say affects me. It doesn't often change anything at all, and those times I just say what I need to say. But other times, I can't be that free. I want to be - desperately. But I can't.
Well. I could, but there might be a very hefty cost to pay. And right now, I have more cost than I can handle. I don't need to be adding to my expenses.
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