Tuesday, April 21, 2015


Feeling incredibly lonely.

I am not sure what brought this feeling on, but I do not think I can discount the silence off many in regard to recent posts. There is something about the silence that feels like being ignored. I realize it may not be that, exactly, but it is the way it certainly feels, at least at times.

I think the fact that I am facing so much doesn't help, either. Having to explain to Disability how miserable my life is was depressing. It is hard to look at what my life has become. One question they ask is "where do you go regularly?" My immediate, and only, answer? Treatment. 

The absoluteness and completeness of the answer was devastating. There are times I rarely leave the house - for days. 

They ask so many questions. The answer they expect is "yes" or "no." I can't help but wonder who designed the questionnaire. How many "disabled" are able to give absolute answers to many of the questions? I doubt many. There are very few things that are absolute.

One minute to the next things can change for me. They can vary by minute, day, week. Depression like I am feeling at the moment pops up whenever it feels like it - without the slightest bit of predictability. The same unpredictability occurs with my energy. Sometimes it seems mostly fine-ish. Other times it snuck away when I wasn't looking.

I am in bed as I write this. I have wanted to do other things tonight, but just could not bring myself to any kind of "productive" point. Except, perhaps, this one. Although It is questionable to me that this moment be considered anything more than a purge. Although, I suppose, in fairness, a purge can seem to be productive.

I don't really want to write. But I feel driven. I suppose I need to push stuff out, as I feel tears welling up the farther along this path I go.

I am incredibly sad. Deeply, completely sad. I feel as though I have no life. Is it totally true? Nope. I know it isn't in the grand scheme of things. But the grand scheme is just too grand to latch on to. In this moment I wish I didn't have to go to treatment. In this moment, I wish there was a place I could retreat to. In this moment, I wish there was more evidence that I am heard. 

In this moment I wish I had a partner who could wrap his arms around me, and give me the illusion that everything was ok. I had that feeling with someone once, and it was amazing. The problems of my world just did not exist for that time. There was so much peace. I was never more in the moment, and that moment was more special than any words I could come up with to recount it. On top of that, many of those moments were strung together, allowing me to disappear in the nothingness for a time like few things have ever allowed.

I get really sad when I wonder if there will ever be someone like that in my life again. Is "that" part of my life over? How am I ever going to meet someone if I never leave the house? How can I meet someone and tell them, "oh, by the way, there's this little thing called cancer..." How many would willingly walk into something like what I offered? I seriously doubt there would be many, given the distance many keep from me - in general.

I am really sad, too, by the actions of those who cannot seem to understand what I am dealing with, and how their actions, or lack thereof, affect me. There are so many things that go through my mind at a time like this. And there is nothing I can do about them. The most I could do is "accept" them, but so much about the situations just isn't acceptable. I am supposed to be the understanding one, though. I am the one who is supposed to cope/supposed to deal. I a. Also, often, the one in the wrong.

There is just so much pain bubbling up. So much. I have gone from a few tears to outright sobs.

I want to believe my life means something. But times like this I can't help but question what the point of my being here is. So many seem to be off living their lives while I feel like I am barely sustaining mine. Most who are doing their thing probably have no idea how deeply affected I am by the impact of this piece of life. In some ways, it may be no different than it has ever been. At the same time, there is something very different.

I can no longer live under the veiled illusion of a tomorrow. When people make plans years out, a part of me twinges. Will I even be here then? Does my existence in their life mean anything today when their choices seem to run counter to what I might hope our relationship/dynamic will be? There are times I am not sure there is any awareness on their part of what I might be dealing with. Other times, I wonder if the attitude is something of a shrug.

It could be more than I even realize, but when no one tells me how they really feel, or acknowledges anything in regard to me/the context of my situation, there is no way for me to know. So much from all sides of the cancer coin is shrouded in silence. Nobody says nuthin'.

Then there is the part of me that feels like I can't expect anything of anyone. It is the part of me that understands all too well why people would want nothing to do with me. It is a part of me that says, "what do you expect?" If I am really honest, "What do you expect? Why would anyone want to deal with someone who has no life? Someone most probably figure is going to die? What do you expect from those who think there is always a tomorrow, and put things off like they always have?"

Or something like that. It is a jumbled mess made worse by this depressive cloud hanging over me. 

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