Thursday, April 16, 2015

I can't stand my brain

I just spent over an hour looking for 2 of my sketch books. At first I thought I was looking for the first two, and I thought they were together. I looked everyfreakingwhere I thought they may be. I tried to remember when I last saw them. Did I take them somewhere to show someone? Did I forget them somewhere? Flashes of forgetting my phone on the train when in treatment were going through my mind. The longer I looked, the more upset I was getting. At some point, I even burst into tears. I can't remember a damn thing.

There was nothing to latch onto. Nothing.

I am so tired of this.

Many times I manage to keep the things that are ultra important in certain places so this kind of stuff doesn't happen. I found one of the two books in a room that I did not expect it to be. I don't even remember why in the world it was even there. Then I realized that I was missing the most recent book, and I was even more upset because there were new drawings yet to be scanned in it.

Eventually something told me to look in a place I hadn't looked, and I found it. And that was only after calling two places I thought I might have left it - two weeks ago.

Relief. But I am so freaking tired now. I also was going to try to go to the grocery store tonight, but it's now too late. I wasted so much time determined to find the books. It was like a piece of me was potentially gone.

I really can't handle how my brain disappoints me and messes with me these days. That, more than anything, is the biggest reason I can't stand chemo. I really do feel like I lose a big chunk of myself. It is something my doctor doesn't seem to understand, at all. If anything, he just shrugs about it. I suppose he thinks there is nothing that can be done about it with medicine, so there isn't much of a conversation to be had.

I am so incredibly overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. I have had a break from chemo, but it is just about over, and sadly I never get done all that I need to in the very short window that I have that I almost feel normal before it all begins again.

I spent the better part of the day also determined to clean up a huge mess in one of the rooms that I occupy. I am still not done. But there is no way that I can finish now. If anything, I just want to go to bed at this point.

Tomorrow I really have to work on doing the paperwork for Disability. I am really not having a good time with that, either. I received a letter that makes me wonder what they will think of how I am affected by everything. I wonder if they "believe" in chemo brain. I can't even begin to imagine doing a job now. My brain just leaves me way too often. I often can't focus, and it takes a great deal to focus when I manage to, at all.

I really am oblivious to how things are until they get to an escalated point, and I urgently need to deal with something that my brain is ill equipped to do. And then, I freak out.

Logically, it may seem much ado about nothing to an outsider, but for me it is the tip of the iceberg of the type of thing I have to deal with.

My life is a big mess. I got reminded of that tonight as I was trying to find those books. I am so fed up with everything. There are times I would just love to go through everything and just throw it out. I know it is a reaction, and I will likely regret it at some point, but there are times things are just so damn painful. The mess I cleaned up today? I had to do it, it was getting to the point that I had several near misses of really hurting myself in trying to compensate.

People may think I can do stuff because I seem to do stuff. But doing something once in an extended period of time doesn't seem to me to really count. Guess it will be interesting to see what those at Disability think about it all.

PS Please check out Patreon.com/Jolope and become a patron. You can do it for as little as $1. If you've ever thought of helping me, I really need your help now, and this is a good way to do it, and your contribution will really help. Thank you.

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