I was speaking with someone I have a long history with. They were telling me things they never told me. At one point they were pissed, and I said that they didn't have to be pissed. I did not understand something, and being pissed wasn't necessary.
I was trying to "fix" something for them, in a way. Of course, I did not see it that way at the time.
As a result, I was told I was telling them how to feel. I explained that if they wanted to be pissed, they could be, but I was just not understanding, and that they could try to explain, if they wanted to.
It was also reflected back to me that I, too, could see things differently, and not get upset. I certainly agreed.
While this conversation was many things, it was more about the fact that things were being said, than what was said. Things were said in a way that made me feel closer to the person than I have in a long time.
Being open and honest - even in conflict - seemed to help things. I do not know if anything would have been different before now had something been said sooner, but the distance I have felt became shorter.
By the time we got off the phone, we were both crying.
I am seeing how the things we don't say put distance between us. The irony is that things are often not said so another person is not hurt. But the silence, in some ways, can hurt more.
Unless something can be said, another person may never know what another person feels or thinks or even have a chance to act differently. Sometimes saying something only benefits the person speaking. I do not know if anything changed tonight, but if the emotion I am feeling is any indication, I would say it is likely possible.
Why does it have to take possibly dying to start really living?
It also turns out that my diagnosis was impetuous for that person to make some hard, major life choices. I have seen things happen in my own life that have come as a result of the diagnosis, but it is even more interesting to me in some ways to see how the life of others is affected.
There are those who believe we have life contracts. Did I make some sort of contract with this person that when I was diagnosed it would give them a call to action?
Maybe it is just all coincidence. Maybe nothing means anything. I saw something today about how studies are showing how what we think has power to create. I can't help but wonder about that.
If thinking made things so, then how is that so many desires are left unfulfilled? Why is it that so many prayers seem to be left unanswered?
What if life just is? What if life is like a rock? It is what is, and the things around it affect what it becomes, but at the core it is only what it ever has been, even if it becomes the tiniest of pebbles. What if we think because we think we have a say over what happens to us, but we have no more control over the storms that show up than the mountains do?
What if we have such a need to control things, that we set out to prove we have control, but we just find coincidences that masquerade as that control? What if the lives of some people just have a greater amount of coincidence? What if some people considered unsuccessful have the same desires of those considered successful, and the difference of "result" isn't the person, but a potential purpose? What if a lack of success in one way is a form of success in another way?
One summer in college I wrote something in my journal about how the sunset in one part if the world was sunrise in another part. For that reason, it seemed to me at the time that sunset was therefore analogous to a birth. (Of course, one would have to see sunrise as a birth, first.)
For those who look at things this way, my statement would not be much of a stretch. The beginning of anything is pretty much the end of something else, and vice versa.
I was just writing someone about the rollercoaster I am on. When she replied back I said, "sometimes there seems to be a certain kind of magic/unlocking to life. It is as though the time suddenly is right, and magic wafts through the air, and things happen."
I get an image akin to the movie effects you see. Suddenly everything seems effortless. Suddenly everything is right with the world, and it took nothing more than being in the moment to make it happen.
I did not intend that conversation. I never could have, as I had no idea what would be said. So it was better than I could have imagined in that it even happened in the first place.
What if life is full of those moments, and we just keep going without ever acknowledging the magic that happens within them? What if we started to acknowledge them, would it make the less tasty parts of life more tolerable?
We can't plan for them. We can't dream them up. We can't do a dang thing to control their occurrence, and yet they are often the best moments of our lives.
However, we still somehow think life is going to be that much better when we plan or dream or control our circumstances.
Logically this all fits and makes sense. But there are still times I want to know what is going to happen. I can't skip to the end and peak. I can't fast forward. All I can do is go moment to moment appreciating the magic that shows up along the way.
For some that might not seem to be enough. Surely you can create more?
What if it is exactly as it should be? What if each moment is exactly the way it needs to be? What if each moment builds upon others? What if the only way to understand health is by experiencing disease? What if the only way to appreciate life is the constant reminder of death? What if the only way to appreciate our strength is to use it?
So many freakin' questions. I am so good for those. I always say I have more questions than answers.
Maybe life is meant to be lived in the questioning. And things happen to remind us of that.
I just have another question, though. If that truly is the case, why is it that we are so driven by certainty and a such a strong, freakin' need to know?
Of course my mind is seeking the answer...
Still thinking...
Still seeking...
We need this because...
Because...?
I have no idea. But if something comes to me, I will share. If you have any thoughts on the matter, please feel free to share them with me, or below.
Thanks as always for visiting.
Have a great night.
PS My stomach area is quite bloated. I am hoping it is the gluten and cheese I had the last two days, and not something more serious. Prayers are appreciated. Thanks.
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