Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Night

Feeling really sad right now. It is Christmas night, and it has been an emotional day for all kinds of reasons. For starters, no one in my family reached out to me. Why didn't I reach out to them? I don't know about you, but it seems in my family that because I am not married, with no children, the onus falls on me, and there are times I am just not up for it.

Plus today I did not feel good, and slept good part of the day, so I did not care - mostly. Although it did cross my mind to wonder why, if this could be my last Christmas, why no one did. Of course it could be anyone's last Christmas, but if I knew someone was by themselves, I would like to think I would reach out and see how they were - especially if they were dealing with the kinds of things I am dealing with. Maybe they didn't want to bother me, who knows?

I haven't done much in relation to Christmas for years, but I find myself wondering what it would have been like to have been festive. To have places to go, people to see. Things to make, things to bake. To have the energy to do it all, or at the very least to have a good exhaustion at the end. I miss the magical feel of the holiday. It really feels like just another day.

All of these things have wandered through my mind. I was kinda making it ok, though, until tonight. Tonight my friend and I were talking about where I could set things up in his new house. One thing about my friend that drives me a bit crazy is he says something in an absolute way, only to change it later.

For the most part, it is something I accept, and roll with. In all fairness, he didn't exactly do that tonight, but he kinda, sorta did. I thought I was going to get some furniture that was left behind at the house. Well somewhere between me thinking I was getting it, and me actually getting it, it seems he may have changed his mind.

No big deal, right? Not really. 

But here's the thing. I used to have a 2 bedroom apartment. One bedroom was my office. I work from home, and I needed the space. I went from that to a less than ideal environment for working when I moved in with my friend when I was trying to pay down some bills.  My friend sweetly gave me some accomodation in his last house, but it never really worked for me, and many of my things stayed in boxes.

I had only planned to stay a year, a year and a half, at most.

Freaking cancer showed up. And then he decided to sell his house and move. We have been living in a less than ideal situation in an apartment for the last 6 months, and I am ever grateful for him that I had this opportunity. 

But here's another thing: I am frustrated. It is his house. He can do whatever he likes with it, including restricting where I do certain things - but it does not mean I have to be happy about it. I think what bothers me more is that I do not have any other viable option. As much as this option seems to suck at the moment, it is the best of all possible choices.

Add to this the vulnerability I feel health-wise, and I find myself uncertain as to how much longer I will even be here. Maybe none of this matters. I think I am sad, in a way, because I found something that might just be viable in terms of trying to make money, and it feeds my spirit. However,  in order to respect his wishes, I just don't know how it is going to work. 

In the end, it may be no issue at all.  I keep thinking I won't be living there long. I wondered if it would be for health reasons. Maybe it will be for these reasons. I can only hope it is for these reasons.

I almost cried in front of him, but I grabbed my phone, expressed my appreciation for being able to live with him, my frustration about not being able to live alone, and then stopped talking. What can I say? At this point it needs to be however he wants it, whether I like it, or not. Maybe it will be OK. I just don't know it yet.

There is so much more going on than meets the eye. It is so hard to feel like I am living in "borrowed" space. In some ways, I cannot fully relax. I am sure I am more upset about how my life is with the financial screws and physical limitations than I am about anything else. There are times I get scared this is the way it all ends, with my world growing smaller and smaller until the light goes out.

I hope it is not. But it takes every last part of me to try to stay optimistic. Tonight just pushed me over the edge. 

I am sitting here, crying. I am trying to do it softly. My friend has done so mch for me, I don't want him to feel badly about his choice to let me stay with him. This is not about him. It is about me. At the same time I really need to let it out. Maybe at some point I will go out to my car. I really feel like I am stifling things, and that can't be good.

There are too many questions in my life right now. And silly me wants a relationship with someone. So what do I do? Find a guy that I barely know who has jumped into my picture without blinking. He has tried to communicate with me a lot in the last couple of days, but I have been trying to keep it minimal until we meet. He has no idea what I am dealing with, but tells me he wants to know, as I have hinted at things being not so great. 

He has been a bit much. At the same time, it might be good to have someone that engaged with me. The problem is that at this moment, it just becomes one more thing to deal with, and I don't like that. I get tempted to blurt everything to him, but I also get tempted to back off completely. Both are reactionary, so I don't really like, either. It also takes energy I have to deal with whatever he is creating by me not telling him what is up. One text message even questioned if I was "testing" him. 

Man. I just don't need more stuff to deal with...

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