Monday, December 30, 2013

I Somehow Knew

I have been going back and forth with "A" in messages today. At one point I told him I knew he was going to "leave." I knew it. I felt it. And I tried to push it away, hoping I was wrong.

I wasn't sure why I was telling him, but suggested that maybe I feel partly to blame for things happening as they did. Maybe I should have left him first?

As I think about it, running away wouldn't have helped, but maybe sharing what I felt would have. Maybe it would have again given him "permission" to do what he wanted to do. He only stuck around - despite my request for him to be honest with me - because he felt like he was doing the right thing.

On a logical level I cared about him more because he stuck around, but deep down I felt things. Deep down I knew I was going to be left alone. I freakin' knew it, but I was trying to tell myself it was my fear talking. 

Instead of the inner conversation, I probably should have been talking to him about it. Instead I did it sideways, and he danced around it, trying to avoid telling me how he really felt. If only I had been brave enough to confront him head-on, maybe things would not have turned out the way they did.

Thinking about this made me cry. But it is for so much more than what I have written here. A cancer diagnosis came as no surprise, either. And what really scares me are other feelings I get about what is coming. 

There are times I just don't want to be right.

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