On Being True

It comes as no surprise to me that people don't know how to talk to me, and think me "too sensitive." If I just kept my mouth shut, and didn't say how I really felt, then more people would talk to me. The problem with that, though, is that the tradeoff is that they would continue to say things to me that are disregarding of my feelings, experience or emotions. 

I never think it is with malice or ill-will, and likely have the exact opposite intention. But the good intentions doesn't mean I should just smile and say thank you.

Does it sound harsh? I bet to some it does. To some it may sound selfish, self-centered. What? The world revolves around ME?

It is a great argument for not allowing a person their experience and reality, don't you think? Shut them up by telling them they are something that is not favored or considered positive in our world. Most of us want to look good and avoid confrontation, so it likely works in a number of cases.

I haven't always been like this. I have felt or thought things, but I tried to keep my mouth shut. There were times I would open it only to wind up questioning and doubting myself, others being clear to tell me how wrong they thought I was.

I feel more isolated and alone, and at times lonely, as a result. The difference I experience now is a greater sense of inner peace. 

We have a culture that favors the gaming part of life, and incorporates behaviors and mechanisms that keep us in line. If one is outside of the acceptable matrix of things, then there are consequences from the outer world. There are also repercussions of the silencing of the inner one. Usually the latter has a greater, but somehow more acceptable, cost.

I would like to think that the way I talk these days can be a good and helpful thing. I would like to think that if I tell you my reaction to something, it will help you to have a better understanding of what another may be going through - at the very least what *I* am going through. It will help you to be supportive in a way that might have a better chance of being perceived as supportive, and not getting caught up in an unintended reaction.

I am not the only one that feels like I do. I have found many others have had similar experiences. It just might be that I am one of the few to speak up and tell it like it is. 

It is not that I want to ruffle any feathers, or piss off anyone. It is not that I don't get the good intentions behind the words. It is that I am looking to convey an experience as honestly and openly as possible while at the same time being as true to myself as possible in the process. 

I have spent too much of my life questioning, doubting and vetoing myself, and I just won't do it any more. It is sincere hope that instead of alienating people I will somehow, some way give them a key they never had before. I want those who care about me to know how best to show their care.

If you think about it, you know that you know better than anyone how you function and communicate the best. Others may think they know what is best, but just because they think they know, and try to force it upon you, doesn't make it the best or right thing. And even your best and right for another likely isn't, and often does not work out very well, either.

And yet, we have been taught not to say how we really feel when we feel something. Everyone is all doing the same thing, and it is no wonder there are so many unhappy people.

You might think that I am not much happier in the world I have created as a result. You'd be partially right. The difference, though, is that the relationship I have with myself is much more peaceful as a result. I don't spend energy any more on an inner battle, and that is an incredible relief.

I might also get people doing more to validate themselves and their experience. If we all could do it more, perhaps we would learn to see it as less of a threat when it happens. We might be willing to listen more. We might be able to give others the gift of being who they truly are. We might even be better able to accept another's differences and choices. 

More battles get waged when we think we have to not only make a point, but be sure others see how right we are, accept our opinions and experience, and successfully stifle themselves in the process of being how we think they should be. And you likely are busy doing this  with another, as it is being done to you.

We are so well-trained, aren't we?

I am sure for as much as I talk about this stuff, there are times I have been quite guilty myself. My hope is that I am getting better, at least.

For a moment I paused, and started to think about what I have written. Am I telling you how to be, as if what I say is right?

It might seem so. So let me say this: it is my experience. It is how I feel. And if it resonates for you in some way, perhaps it is something for you to consider. 

If it doesn't, then I would expect that you would do what works for you. At the core of everything, I would hope that we have a level of respect others, which would include their choices. After all that is what we would like for ourselves, isn't it?  

Having said that, I will also address the idea that because I know people have good intentions, I can just alter the way I look at things, that it is not necessary for everyone else to change.

For starters, not "everyone" else does. There are people who talk to me just fine. They listen to what I have to say, and do not take it personally. They also talk to me as me, not me filtered through an experience of cancer. We may talk about what is going on, but is only a piece of our conversation. They are comfortable-ish enough to let me know they are uncomfortable, and seek to understand and ask questions. They are empathic, and do their best to allow me to be how I am without change. If they happen to try to say something that I don't necessarily agree with, they don't push. Many will even tell me they can't possibly understand what I am going through. Some will ask what they can do to assist, instead of offering their brand of assistance. (They can't always help "my" way, and I am OK with it.)

Secondly, one day I might stop talking about it. For the moment, though, I think it serves a purpose to share, and to allow for things to be expressed as they are experienced. As with many things I write, there may be a potential to connect with another in a way that makes a difference.

No matter what impact there is, or isn't, I get to be me in the process of sharing. It is something I truly value at this point in my life, and is incredibly freeing. 

I wish I knew more about the purpose of life, although it is not like I really know anything. I just like to pretend I do sometimes. But even if I don't get "life," I am getting ME. And, maybe, just maybe, getting me is what life is all about.

So...

Get me, and you'll get life. Ha! Sorry. Couldn't resist. :p