As I write this, I wonder if I should be as open publicly about something like this. I pause only to consider any repercussions that might come from my public sharing. But then I think about others who might be in a similar place as me, who might never say the things they are thinking, thinking they are alone in their thoughts.
On one hand I wonder what it would be like to give up, and on the other I get scared life could leave me a lot sooner than I want to leave it. Quite the paradox, actually.
After I wrote last night, my friend knocked on my door. I had thought he had gone to bed. He wanted to know if he was to wake me up this morning. I took the opportunity to ask him if he felt like I was upset with him, or felt like I felt he had done wrong in some way. I told him that if he did, what I was feeling had nothing to do with him, and that I had nothing but gratitude for him. It was just that...at this point I promptly burst into tears...I was feeling all kinds of things, which I had written about here, but was then sharing with him. I also added that I didn't like having to rely on him - or anyone else.
It scares me that this is my life now.
In the back of my mind I hear voices telling me how grateful I should be. Well. I am. But it doesn't mean I have to be OK with everything that is happening in my life. It doesn't mean I should put a smile on my face and act like all is right with the world. I can be simultaneouly grateful and unhappy. So, if perchance you want to add to that choir, please don't.
Sorry for being a bit defensive here, but I have learned in the last year when I am feeling my most vulnerable, I need to be just that. I can't handle the way people sometimes try to help. There are times it pisses me off. Imagine you were in a predicament, and instead of a single person acting like they understand (being empathic), they say the same things as many before them did, and many after them will. The same things you may logically know for yourself, but you don't give a crap about in that moment. The same things, if they really helped, that would have prevented you from going down the pike in the first place. On occasion I have pissed people off by ignoring their "help."
I am sorry for that, but I can't handle just one more thing sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I just can't. And the last thing I need to do is worry about someone else. I have heard that many times people in my predicament will wind up trying to take care of those around them, and comforting them. I have even done that a time or two, or more.
But there are times there is just no way I can do that. I have nothing left.
I had hoped to get through Christmas without being "negative" or a "downer," but it didn't obviously happen. On a logical level, I suspect that those who didn't want that, stayed miles away. Good for them. I wish I could have, too.
I promised myself that I would write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I held back, I would not be true to the mission I set out for myself last May. It is probably one of the few things I have any control over right now, so I feel I need to go wherever I need to go.
Quite frankly, a part of me is really uncomfortable showing this side of me. I feel like people think I should be any number of things that I may not appear to be. I feel like in some ways I am embarassed that I can't seem to get a handle on things. That I am not together. That I am struggling. That in some way I am complaining, or going "woe is me."
I don't think I am doing that. But even if I am, I dare you to be in my position and do any better. It seems to me that anything less than having it together is negatively labelled in some way. It is no wonder no one would want to share what they really feel, if they are going to be judged harshly for it, or people will try to fix them.
it sucks, though because then people stay away. They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. It makes for a very isolating experience.
I had someone tell me that I need to let people help the way they want to. Um. No. I don't think so. Not if it doesn't work for me. I respect that they want to help, but if it is not in a way that is helpful or useful to me (by my definition) then thanks, but no thanks. I would appreciate the same respect in return if I decline their help. If a person can't assist me in a way I think is helpful, then that is OK.
We have very little middle ground. It is no wonder people walk around with masks on. No one wants to risk how they look to others by being honest. They not only risk being looked at differently, they risk being ostrasized.
If only I could shut up and put a smile on my face, maybe I wouldn't feel so isolated. But the cost at this moment would be too great. I also do not think I I have the energy to hold back. Do you realze how much it takes from you to be something you are not? I never knew. And now thar I do, I can't go back. I want to say I wish I could go back, but the fact is even if I could, knowing what I know now, no way. In some ways it really sucks, but no freaking way.
I am not in the best place today. I am also tired, and need to get moving. I have things I need to do today. Maybe it is a good thing. But I also feel emotionally on edge.
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