Sunday, December 15, 2013

Feeling Calm-ish (and thoughtful)

Feeling calm-ish about seeing the doctor this week. Kinda like how I felt before. The thing is, just like last time, I am hoping that the news suits the calmness and certainty I feel. I have been doing the best I can to continue to listen to the things I am being told. I am feeling guided, and really hope that the path is the one I consciously want to be on.

I am ever mindful that there are times that desire does not seem to match the reality that comes about. In speaking with Oceana recently, it seems that there could be a "script" that life follows that can be so much better and more purposeful than what we think we want or want to create or have in mind. It could very well be "this" all was meant to happen - that it all serves a purpose.

I am so much more me now than I have ever been, and it is because of what has happened since being diagnosed. I am not really one who likes the "whole" cancer is a gift thing, but it could certainly come across that way. What I am grateful for is that with all that has transpired some pretty amazing things have as well. I hope to be here a while to enjoy them. But, if not, I am grateful for what has been able to be created.

I feel like there is a lot of work and talking yet to be done. So many people do not know what the cancer experience is like. I am sure I am not alone in many of my issues and dilemmas. When I speak I feel like I am speaking on behalf of those who feel they can't speak, or do not feel like they want to.

I really don't like calling attention to my situation, and yet, if I don't, who will? It is a tightrope that I walk, and most would willingly assume that all must be well with me if I look and sound well. I don't blame them. It is a much more comfortable place to be than one that doesn't know what to say, and one that is worried about me, and is fearful about what cancer might do.

There may even be some who would say that it is in my best interest to NOT think about it. I don't think it is possible. Don't think about the Pink Elephant. Kinda impossible. Living with a diagnosis of cancer is very different than living without one. Once it is in the equation, it isn't easily removed - if it can be removed at all.

It is my desire to remove the disabling discomfort that people feel so that interacting with cancer is something that is possible, just like most anything else that is a part of life. I am often told I talk about things differently than most. For whatever that adds to the conversation, I am grateful.

I am grateful, too, for those of you who have helped in the sharing of the conversation. One person in particular, Lynn, who has even taken it upon herself to distribute the ovarian cancer symptom cards that I created. I SOOO love that. It stirs up many things, not the least of which is a conversation about ovarian cancer. She is already having her own stories to share about the conversations that have come as a result.

Even still, perhaps the fact that it can not be removed is actually a GOOD thing, it just as of yet, hasn't been described and appreciated as such. As often is the case, I don't really know. I am just guessing. But I kind of like the way the guesses sound.

There is an expression what you resist persists. Maybe by wanting to be in denial of something that is so much a part of so many people's lives only in some way makes things a whole heck of a lot worse. What if instead of running in fear from a person affected, we ran toward them, embraced them, loved them, appreciated them, engaged them. What if instead of thinking of ourselves and our fears and our discomfort we thought about the person who needed the comfort of those in their lives? I am pretty sure it would be rewarding and fulfilling and would add something positive to the mix. There is a lot to be said for moments and connections like those.

This started out as a status update for Facebook, and the longer it got, the more I realized that it should be a blog entry. A lot is definitely on my mind these days. Can you tell?

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