On My Way to the Oncologist

This morning I am pretty tired. Can you tell?  (I look at this picture, and I can!) I did not go to sleep until late, and then I did not sleep very well. I said yesterday that I was feeling calm-ish about everything. Given how I slept (rather, barely slept) last night, I am wondering if I am doing as well as I thought I was.

A part of me is anxious and sad as this will be my last time at this treatment facility, thanks to having to change my health insurance starting next month. Obama had told insurance companies and states that they had the option to keep plans for a year. Not surprisingly, when I asked my insurance company about it, I was told they did not opt for that option. Apparently, the If You Like it You Can Keep It amendment never got very far. I heard it was not likely to go for a vote in the other house, and even if it did, Obama would not have signed it.

Reluctantly, and without a choice, I am making a change. It won't be a comfortable one for several reasons, but for several other reasons I feel like it is the best choice for me to make for myself at this moment in time. I had held off as long as I could, hoping for a miracle, but if I do not sign up by December 20, I will not be covered until February 1. Quite frankly, I have wondered if I should gamble, and be without insurance for a month, and save myself a bit of money. But then I would be possibly penny wise, pound foolish, if there turns out to be a reason I really need it.

But what is the alternative? Chemo. Surgery. Nothing.There really are not many medical options for me at this point. And none of them tell me the cancer will be taken care of. The first go-round everyone acted like the chemo would work. And it did - for a short time, or so it seemed. But now, it is a different story, and not one medically that seems to have a good conclusion.

I have even wondered what would happen if I took out the port and walked away from the medical all together. If things are going to take a certain course, why make things worse by the medical play-by-play? And if they're not going to take that "certain" course, then what do I need them for any way?

I feel fairly calm. That comes from not "knowing" anything terrible. I think about the visit I had in the beginning of October, and it was devastating. I try to remember how I felt going to that appointment, but I can't. I remember how I felt before the first spots showed up post treatment, and it was like I knew something was up. I could feel something was off/"wrong."

Today, despite being tired, I feel like it will be OK. I really hope I am right about that. I have seen more than one person in my Facebook timeline talking about good news in relation to their cancer situations. I would love to add mine to the mix. Even when I wonder if I will be the exception, a part of me says it will all be OK. I so want to trust my feelings and gut, so I really hope I wind up having "proof" that I am right to listen because it is accurate.

It was a great deal of what my trip was about, and I am striving to keep it as an active part of my life. It hasn't been all that easy, but I just keep reminding myself how calm and clear I feel when I am listening. I strongly suspect that the times we are the most anxious and confused are the times we are logically at odds with our intuition, and often times we say we don't know something when we actually do, but are unwilling or fearful to act on what we know. And we say we don't know because we have cleverly blocked ourselves from seeing the thing we know, so it really doesn't seem to be an option. 

It is like looking for a hat in a box, we pick up everything around it, but none of it is a hat. We even pick up the hat at some point, but see it as something else, so we keep looking because it either doesn't look like what we think it should, or we just can't figure out that what we are looking at is what we have been wanting or needing. 

So how much do we know that we don't know we know?

(It is now the end of the day. I never really "finished" writing this entry earlier. At this point, I will declare this one complete, and move on to what happened today)