Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Every time I put up new pics i know how much goes into what you wind up seeing. Some of the ones I like the best involve make-up, a wig, lots and lots of pictures taken, several discarded pictures, different angles, different lighting, uploading to a program to filter it, many different ways, with many incarnations until "wallah" the photo you see. 

I tell people all the time that there are some really, really bad ones, but they don't believe me. They think that because I can get a really nice picture, I must be photogenic. You only have to view my Facebook images to tell that is not necessarily true. 

I have been tempted on occasion to post some of the really bad, but the thing that stops me is I don't want to tempt someone to use it in some even less than flattering way. Of course, no one ever should do that, but we know what can happen.

Maybe one day I will be bold. But I am not there yet, obviously.

The wig above is mainly blue with pink highlights. I will have to post something closer to the original so you can appreciate it. 

I am really tired today. Not sure if I should blame the rainy day, or something else. I have enjoyed yhe momentary distraction of the gift. 

I have often said I feel alone and unheard and lonely. I know that there are people who love and care about me. So much of what has gotten me through in the last year has come through their love and kindness. But, as you may realize, when something you value is missing, it is as though you don't really have it. And, in that stark moment, that is all that really matters.

It is at times difficult to share these aspects of my life. The more I reveal, the more I risk being judged. Earlier today I saw how someone posted how he wanted to raise the money to pay off the cafeteria bills of all of the students at a school. It was a remarkable thing he was choosing to do, but the one thing that stood out to me was that he did not care why there was a bill. He was going to pay off all the bills, if he could, without condition.

So often I think people see what happens in my life and judge whether or not I need the help, whether or not I seem sick enough. I think they question what I would use the money for. More than once a person has told me that people don't care what I use it for. They just want to help. But I don't necessarily believe that with the kinds of questions I am asked. 

I have also had people wanting to know who my doctor is, suggesting that they would pay the doctor directly. Obviously, they don't think things like gas or insurance or food should be something worthwhile to contribute to. There is more to a cancer situation than medical bills. You may not know, or realize it, but there are a lot of things you likely take for granted because you can do them and/or afford them. You may think nothing of spending over $5 for a Starbucks coffee. I wouldn't even be able to consider doing that, unless someone else treats.

That is why I appreciate those who occasionally treat me to something like a wig. There are times I would almost prefer the money for something more crucial. Hard to sometimes enjoy the fun stuff worried how I am going to pay for the necessities. But I realize it is an important part of my well-being, so I do what I can.

From a distance, a stranger is not going to know the hell I go through. They are not going to know the choices I need to, and do, make. They are are not going to know the ugly behind what superficially appears attractive - whether it is in how I look, or how my life looks.

Appearances certainly aren't everything, and can often be deceiving.

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