I recently posted "It is really hard to talk to someone who makes things mean something different than you do. Feeling really sad right now." on Facebook.
As per usual, I had people trying to be helpful. They were telling me not to be sad. They were telling me how people hear things differently than intended.
It is interesting when I post. I almost feel like I need a disclaimer. There are times I post how I feel with no real intention other than to be with what and how I feel. There is rarely (if ever) a time I actually want someone to fix me, my situation, or my perspective about something.
I get that people want to help. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings by saying this. But I say it here and now in the hope that maybe someone will see it and realize something for themselves and how they approach things. Perhaps it will be helpful in a future event and time.
I would be willing to bet there are times you, too, just want to be witnessed, or be able to express yourself, and the same thing happens to you. It's not very helpful, is it?
Sometimes we need to be with our discomfort and pain. I am not saying you should take up Permanent Residency there, but it at least often needs to be acknowledged on your way somewhere else.
It, quite frankly, is annoying when people say what they do. So why don't I just shut up? Why do I say things publicly? Because I think it helps me to be expressed. Because I think the things I share often are of some help and benefit for others. I also know that it is more about me than it is about them when I am annoyed. What it is that truly bothers me, I have yet to determine.
I don't like being so public. I am still not used to it, nor do I want to be. But the thing is that something tells me to be this way, and it seems there is a reason, so even in my discomfort, I am listening. There are times I would much rather pull back and remain private and silent.
It takes a lot of energy to be polite to people. I feel like I should thank and acknowledge them for the fact that they have taken the time to reply, and the fact that they care.
But there are times it takes more than I have. There have been countless times things like this have happened over the last couple of years - especially. I wish I knew better how to handle it without offending anyone. I doubt this blog entry helps.
I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings by writing this. It certainly is not my intention. I share this as a matter of perspective. I am extremely appreciative and grateful for the fact that you care enough about me to not only visit my posts and interact with me. I guess I wouldn't mind if you considered some of this perspective, though, before you are so willing to tell me to stay positive, or offer a perspective you think will fix things.
After all, not everything is fixable. Secondly, despite being positive, or having another perspective, there are times "what is" just really sucks. I really don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging that.
Do I dare publish this blog post? There is a part of me that is hesitant. At the same time...3, 2..
So. I did publish it. I then went to Facebook and wrote this:
It is interesting when I post. I almost feel like I need a disclaimer. There are times I post how I feel with no real intention other than to be with what and how I feel. There is rarely (if ever) a time I actually want someone to fix me, my situation, or my perspective about something. I know it may be difficult to see me upset at times and in the impossible situation I am in, but not everything is fixable, and some things really do suck. I really don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging that fact. Odds are probably pretty good that unless you see what I write when I write it, I am already in another place in regard to it. That is the beauty of allowing myself to be wherever I am, whenever I am there. So much seems to pass and transform so much more quickly than when I tried to "stay positive" and/or ignore what I was feeling in favor of a "more empowering" perspective. Life is full of all kinds of stuff...why do we feel so dang compelled to not interact with parts of it? I have been enriched by my willingness to dance with it in ways I never had before I got to this perspective.
Now I feel like I should be sure to tell you thank you for your love. Thank you for your support. It is not my intention to offend anyone with the things I say, but I am sure there are times it probably is inevitable. Like most things in life, this is so much more about me than it is about you. I am not sure why I react as I do, or why I sometimes react as strongly as I do.
It would sure help if I understood things better. Perhaps when I write it is a way of trying to figure it out. It may not always come out the best, but I think there are times that, even in my awkwardness, others can relate. My guess is, in some ways, you know exactly how I feel. I can't be the only one. It may just be that I am only one of the few who tries to talk about it, though, and one of the fewer ones who talks about it as publicly as I do.