So...last night was a rough night.
Suddenly, out of now where, I dived. I dived deep into an extended moment of depression. I suddenly was aware of how my life was stymied. I was suddenly aware that I couldn't seem to get anywhere. Even worse, I was acutely aware of others making life choices and plans. I was in some ways jealous. They were moving on. They were making changes. They were LIVING.
At some point someone was talking about planning something 4 months out with me. Talk about depressing. It might seem to be a good thing, right? I hate to say it, but I can't really plan that far out any more. I don't want to plan that far out if it is something I really want to do. If I really want to do it, I want to do it now. At least now it will happen. At least now I am alive.
I was also frustrated about hitting the bottom of the financial well. What happened with Disability yesterday took me way down. It is disgusting what they do in regard to it. Absolutely despicable. Some think it is designed so that people die without a single dime in payment. That is why there is a 6 month waiting period, and then even if they decide you are eligible for any back payments, they only pay you half immediately. The other half they make you wait for a year, or two? If you have a lawyer involved, they get paid before you do.
There is so much about this that stinks. Someone I was talking to called it dealing with cockroaches. Situations like mine may call people out, and you may "kill" them off by making changes. But then another one comes in its place, doing things that are just as crappy, or even crappier.
There was an agency that had a phone number and the message said that people should not leave a message, as calls would not be returned. That was deemed a problem. Well the voicemail no longer says it, but it hasn't changed the way they interact with it. People still do not get calls back.
How is it that agencies are allowed to get away with this? When I worked in a job I had to be accountable. Not only that, but there were times I made myself accountable, even when it was something I could have easily have brushed off. And those were with "things," not people's lives, livelihood, and well being.
I question every single messed up thing that happens with me. They make me angry, frustrated, annoyed. I then speak up about them. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut these days. Since dealing with Disability I have heard stories. Before dealing with it, I had no clue how freaking messed up they were.
The fact is that odds are good I am supposed to be eligible for a "compassionate allowance." The not so good news is that it may not be as much as I might have hoped for. Essentially I was out of work for over a year before I had a recurrence, but that might not count toward anything. And then, once the recurrence shows up, they "deduct" 6 months from the timeframe. Then they split it in two. Sounds like it won't be much at all. But hopefully it will be something. Sometimes things work out better than this, but I will only know when I know.
In the meantime, I still need help in a big way. The question is how the heck to get it. How do I say something I have already said a myriad of different ways and many times before? How do I convey the situation I am in in a way that people would be inclined to step up? It's not just that I want money handed to me although, granted, it would be (and has been) pretty awesome. I want to find sponsors. I want to find people who are interested in my MP3s, or my art or my recipe booklet. I want to find people who are willing to engage with me in a way that could benefit each of us, and/or others.
There have been people who show up, unsolicited, to tell me how valuable what I am talking about is. There have been people who have seen the value in what I had to offer when I went on my cross country trip. They saw the bigger picture, and often they were even a part of it.
I want that "connect" key to work more often. This is very much about survival for me, but it is so much more. I can only hope and wish that people who get that, people who understand and appreciate that, can help me get to a better place. I think I am in some way helping people from where I am, but I wouldn't mind standing in a better, stronger place and doing it from there, too.
I get afraid sometimes that may never happen. Stories about cancer seem to only go one direction, and that is down. But there are miracles. There are wonderful things that could happen. And given the choice of deteriorating, being unable to work, and receiving donations and Disability, I would so much rather continue to write and speak out on the things that are often silenced.
If only speaking out was its own was a currency. I would be a very rich woman.
Want to know ways you can help? Please check this page http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2014/03/about-mehow-you-can-help.html