Saturday, April 12, 2014

My Drug

It has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that I escape what I feel through getting drunk or some sort of drug - legal, or otherwise.

I don't see the point. The problem will still be there when I get back. 

I have never been much of a drinker, but at my cousin's wedding I had 3 mixed drinks. It was not a good night for me, so I was pretty much "what the heck?"

The way it affected me was to make me sleepy and put me somewhere between indifferent and sad. I remember having what was a difficult conversation with my then boyfriend and thinking it would not be good if I fell asleep in the middle of it. 

I didn't. I also never again had that much to drink at any given time. 

My grandfather was an alcoholic, so maybe it is good that I never took to it. It just really never interested me.

I do have a drug, though, and it is food. It is quite the number. I haven't felt like eating today, but decided I should. I was feeling weak, lightheaded and even a bit nauseous. I suppose being upset on an empty stomach is not advisable.

Once I started to eat, I was doing it without thinking about it. I noticed that I was feeling numb, too. I went from not eating to wanting to eat a whole bunch of stuff - but not if it took any work. I even cooked something in the microwave - something I have not done in a very long time. I just didn't give a damn.

It is a good thing I don't have a bunch of crappy foods around. I would have probably inhaled them all and felt sick afterward.

I noticed that Avastin was having a depressing effect on me at some point. I  had so little interest in eating. So not me. I was even losing a few pounds because of it. As much as I wouldn't have minded, that certainly is not the way to do it.

Earlier today I was going to try to back to sleep. I was so tired, but I could not sleep. I wound up doing some hypnosis instead. 

When I got done, though, I still feel like I am struggling. I am not shaking this off as quickly as I would like. Other times I go to sleep at night after a breakdown, and the next morning I have felt awesome. 

But not today.

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