My Wish

Yesterday was 41414. I always find number stuff interesting. I also happened to notice when it was 12:34. Last night I saw the clock at 1:23 and then again at 2:34. Thankfully by 3:45 I was asleep. 

Many days I catch the clock at 11:11 or 12:12 or 1:11. All kinds of interesting patterns show up. it is fascinating to me how I just happen to catch those times.

Why am I mentioning it? I dunno. Because I can?

I am in an interesting state tonight. I am not sure what to make of it. The terribly overwhelming and dark feeling I had a couple of days ago seems to have retreated. It is like there is a void now. When it was around, I wasn't feeling like something was missing like I do at times like this. I am not sure if it is just an antsy feeling of not knowing what is coming next - or what? Whatever it is, that dark cloud engulfed it. Maybe that is why I used to stay in those kinds of feelings longer - it was company - familiar company.

I was getting ready to sign off for the night when I saw this:  http://thesouthern.com/special-section/cancer-is-a-political-disease/article_02fa92aa-de90-5b73-8533-c6141f7f14a7.html. In the article it states, 

"Your donation to ACS CAN help fund national and statewide programs to encourage candidates and lawmakers to fund research and provide access to quality health care, prevention, early detection, and treatment."

While I would say those were important things, I just rarely ever see a bigger call to action to directly the people - the individuals - affected by cancer. It is practically always about the disease. Let us give money to find a cure. Millions and millions of dollars are given and spent, and often with not much to show for it while many who deal with the illness have to deal with how their lives are impacted. The devastation of the cancer storm is sometimes worse than the illness itself. Ask anyone who has lived through a severe hurricane, "Which was worse, the storm or the aftermath?" there is a good chance they will tell you it was what came as a result of the storm over the storm itself.

I keep thinking it is because people don't have a clue. I would rather think that, than think that people are blantantly and willfully ignoring fellow human beings in need. I would really like to think that it is a matter of doing a better job of communicating the issues and concerns that are faced. Sadly, the environment is not conducive for people to feel safe to share. It is demeaning, degrading, demoralizing, embarrassing, and whole slew of adjectives that are anything but positive or complimentary. 

Maybe if people could speak the truth, others would learn, and in turn provide a more open heart and space to help. Of course, it would be beyond awesome if that open space came first. The problem is that we often suck when it comes to the things we either don't understand and/or think will never effect us or someone we care about. It doesn't matter what the issue is. It could be illness, homelessness, being a single parent, living an alternative lifestyle, being jobless. The list is endless.

I saw a video today that showed Pharell touched by the impact of his music, and in particular his "Happy" song. There was something about that that had me thinking about how I would love to be able to help make enough waves somehow that the effects reverberated far and wide and positively impacted the culture we have around cancer, and how those affected by it are treated. 

When the song was first released, apparently no one was really interested. According to him, his video came out, and then suddenly, there was an incredible awareness and impact. It is difficult to put yourself into something, and think that no one cares or is paying attention. In some ways, the fact that it is a work of heart is in some way rewarding enough. 

But. 

But there is something very special that happens when others "buy" into what you have said, or what you have done. I cannot tell you how much it means to me when I get unsolicited contact from someone who feels they need to reach out to tell me about the impact I have had on them. 

It is such an incredible gift. I would say and do what I say and do, regardless of what anyone does or doesn't do. It is something I need to do from my heart and my soul. It happens even when I don't want it to. It has to. But when I know that I have had a positive effect somehow, the feeling of connection is powerful and empowering. 

Why in the world would we be here with others, if we weren't meant to have these kinds of connections? I believe they are important. I also believe it is what had me feeling awesome on my trip. I was connecting with people in a way that is nearly impossible as I try to survive day-to-day.

So...

back to my wish. 

I got a bit off track. There is one more piece to that wish, and that is that I get the satisfaction of knowing that the impact has occurred while I am still living. I would love to have an impact any time, but if I am going to be appreciated for who I am and what I have done, I would rather it be while I am still very much alive. 

I have joked that I will be pissed if suddenly after I am gone I matter. I don't think that is really possible, but it speaks to how much I want to not only matter now, but be recognized for how I matter while it is happening.

It feels funny for me to say this. I would imagine some would think me arrogant, or who knows what else for saying this kind of thing. But, you know what, my guess is that I am not the first human to feel this way, nor will I be the last. I also don't think I am bringing perspective about something that isn't already somehow a part of who we are as humans. 

I love when I get to connect to the part in another that is me. Isn't that what we all want? As awesome as it would be at any time, it simply likely won't feel the same when I am dead. 

Or will it?

Who knows? But my wish is my wish. I want to be loved, and know I am loved, while I am still very much alive. And what better way to feel loved than to connect deeply with others? It is an incredible gift that being able to connect in a meaningful way gives us.

And with that, my brain is blinking, "Tired" and "Straining to make sense." I think I need to try to get some rest. The wayvI feel, I hope it means I will be asleep sooner rather than later. Sweet dreams when you get there. :)